THE 2OO4 OLYMPICS
A SPECIAL EVERY THREE WEEKLY REPORT: jump on the trampoline bandwagon!Every four years our world comes together for the Olympics, a time when athletes from all across the globe can come together in the spirit of competition to laugh at poor countries without gymnastics teams. During the games, sports that rarely reach an audience beyond the athletes' families as well as the occasional lost vagabond enjoy the opportunity to shine in front of an international crowd. For these lesser-known sports, this fortnight can be the chance of a lifetime to win legions of fans. That is, as long as the sports and their athletes don't royally fuck up--I'm looking at you, curling.
For example, when swashbuckling, I'm sorry, fencing debuted in the Olympics, it was a poorly understood, esoteric sport for wealthy, pathetic freaks and pirates. Thank God that's all changed! Or has it? Fencing had a chance to achieve mass acceptance through the Olympic Games, but instead the sport floundered after a series of embarrassing mishaps, culminating in the Epee Debacle of '72. Apparently, watching a man suddenly become a eunuch just doesn't draw crowds like it used to.
Other sports, however, have learned their lessons from the mistakes of history. Take rhythmic gymnastics, for example. This so-called "sport"--populated by rejects from real gymnastics--has female participants dance around with different "apparatuses" that are specially designed to bring shame to their homelands. These objects include a hula-hoop, a rubber ball, a hideous spandex outfit to accentuate the girl's masculine, pre-pubescent frame, and a ribbon. This sport has a large following in Europe, but, then again, so does David Hasselhoff. Eventually, it might be able to generate a mild following in North America, as long as it isn't rocked by any more doping scandals. Apparently, there are athletes in rhythmic gymnastics who must feel that their ball handling can be improved through steroid use. Rhythmic gymnastic gold medallists--also known as "always the Russians"--return to their countries famous, admired, and ready to resume their lives as dirty carney orphans.
That's why we can all take solace in another minor sport that exploded in a major way at the Athens Olympics: trampolining. Drug-free, friendly to non-Mongoloids, it's the sport of the future, as long as the future is extremely ridiculous and closely resembles my eighth birthday party. In case you missed it, this sport showcases rhythmic gymnastics rejects jumping up and down on a high-tech version of the same trampoline we all know and love to fall off of and break our arms. Oh, and sometimes they flip. The only real differences are that when they land on their head, it's a half-point deduction--not really fucking hilarious to my older brother, Steve. Also, they can stop jumping on a dime by bracing their knees against the impact of the trampoline, instead of falling on their asses like normal people. All of which make trampolining a fantastic sport, especially for helmeted sufferers of Down syndrome, a.k.a. "Corkies," and osteo-arthritics. So get out there and jump on the trampoline bandwagon!