Noted University Professor Caught Using Backup Vocals in Lecture

KALAMAZOO, MI-Late last week, esteemed Professor Sal Hempsworth of WMU's psychology department was caught using backup vocals during a lecture on Piaget�s stage theory of development. Approximately twenty minutes into the 90-minute lecture, students were perplexed when Hempsworth's voice droned on even as the professor took a drink of his coffee. Hempsworth realized the costly mistake seconds later.

�He kind of shrugged his shoulders, and then did some exaggerated hopping dance moves that reminded me of an ol� fashioned ho-down,� said Rob Hollins, a student present during the slip-up. �His GSI�s just kept right on going with the power-point presentation, though, like nothing was wrong.�

After the lecture concluded, Professor Hempsworth returned to the classroom and apologized for the mix-up, citing a bad case of acid reflux that was making his voice raspy. Hempsworth went on to blame his GSI underlings. It's not really my fault, my assistants started playing the wrong lecture. It�s all their fault. Hold them responsible. I�m a spoiled, flippant cunt.�

Hempsworth's manager, Psychology Department Chair Stanley Gumpsmiller, rushed to support Hempsworth�s actions. "Just like any professional lecturer, Sal wanted to put on a good show. But I assure you, this is the only time backup vocals have been used in my department."

The incident exposed what many consider to be a frequent practice in academia: using a previously recorded lecture track to support a professor�s verbal stylings. A number of students we spoke with recalled experiencing similar events. �One of my professors actually had a stroke and collapsed during my freshman English class,� said junior

Jennifer Davis. "There was probably time to get help before she died but the lecture just kept on going, so we just kept on taking notes. I mean, I feel for the woman but I gotta think about how this is going to affect me getting into Law School. All those hours I put into kissing her ass for recommendations are shot to hell. Maybe if I rob her lifeless body and sell her organs on the black market, the Bar association will think I�m a lawyer already."

One faculty member, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that professors use support vocals quite frequently. "It's a tremendous strain on our voices giving 90-minute lectures twice a week, and nobody wants to be the professor who can�t pull it together for those key lectures late in the term. Those guys end up living out their career as some one-hit wonder teaching basket weaving at a community college somewhere in North Dakota. Or worse yet, they end up doing thirty second spots on horrible Made-for-PBS documentaries."

A student of Prof. Hempsworth's class managed to place the incident in a wider perspective. �What do I care if this guy pulled a page out of Milli Vanilli's playbook?" said sophomore Dalton Aimes. "We're all cheating like hell on his tests anyway."