Daily Sports Headline Writer Looks Ahead to Bleak Winter, Lack of Punny Surnames

Phil Nelson, writer of sports headlines for Michigan�s student run newspaper does not have a lot to look forward to this winter, and neither do the readers of the Michigan Daily (114 years of �Why yes, yes I do write for the Michigan Daily�). Nelson has expressed his apprehension in a tone some described as �melancholy� or �unpublishable� in a recent interview in the Daily.

�I don�t know what I�m going to do. Nobody on the basketball team has a generic name that I can play off of, except maybe [Michigan center Graham] Brown, but you can only go so far with �Brown vs. the Back-Board of Education� and headlines that incorporate basketball and poop,� said Nelson. �Plus, he recently threatened to use my head as a jawbreaker.�

Praised by many of his fans who are also his mother, some of Nelson�s recent jewels include �Playing With Hart,� �The Hart of the Matter,� �Beans, Beans, They�re Good For Your Hart,� as well as �Does that Carr Have a Henne?� and �A Henne Saved Is a Henne Earned.�

Nelson describes his critical process in the interview, �I usually just sit down with a thesaurus and a roster and pound myself on the head with a hammer for hours on end, and, when I�m finished, we�ve got the front page. I consider it the toughest job I�ll ever love.�

Update: Phil Nelson was recently found dead in the street near his home on Packard. The preliminary autopsy reports indicate the cause of death to be an overstuffing of the rectum with sports pages bearing the headline �Horton Hears a Who�s Your Daddy�.