End of Football Season Brings Welcome End to Marching Band Season

Students, Fans, Faculty, Band Members� Parents United in Hatred of Marching Bands

As it seems everyone on campus unanimously agrees, there is one positive aspect of a Michigan football season closing--the end of the Michigan Marching Band. The Marching band, commonly referred to as �the infected, parasitic growth that feeds off football season� will end its daily, boisterous practices that have driven students to white-hot murderous rage.

Student complaints have been increasingly intense this semester, some escalating to the point of violence. �Well, one afternoon during midterms I considered sniping them from my apartment for blasting away everyday. But then I looked through the scope into their moist, pimply faces and well, I realized that their horns and drums are really all that they have,� says Jacob Whitner an LSA junior. �Regardless, I kneecapped some horn-toting douchebag.�

Adding to the student�s anger is the class credit band members receive. �They get credits for claiming to be part of the football team while playing with such useless and unwanted instruments every afternoon? They�re reaping the rewards without doing the work. It�s like, I�ve watched hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography, but I�m still a virgin. At least, I am until Christmas break. Ever since my Cousin Betty got her hysterectomy, she�s been pretty desperate for attention. Ooh, boy!� exclaimed Derek Johnson, an Engineering sophomore.

According to second-year percussionist Mervin Jalopski, members of the band are part of a greater tradition, not just a cancer nourished on football�s success. �Since I couldn�t ever really get a girl or friends, I found love in my drum. Me and my snare have been through a lot together in high school: Senior Prom, Saturday nights in my room alone watching Drumline, my first and only sexual experience with my uncle Larry--during these the drum never left my hands. But then, when I came here, people started to hate me for playing �Karen,� as refer to her. I just wanted to spread joy on football Saturday mornings at 7AM. And to the residents of Hill and Division: must you really throw feces at me when I walk back to South Quad? I�m getting sick of going home to clean the stains, and daddy drinks when I�m home.�

Most students find the halftime entertainment shows anything but entertaining. �They�re so loud and lame, I�d rather watch the band be eaten by lions�hey now that�s an idea! And it�d be quiet enough to talk on my cell!� said one fan.

Even the current band director admitted his disdain for his job. �Well, one day when I was directing I realized how much I actually hate marching bands. Such ugly, pompous, annoying people producing such un-enjoyable sound while parading around each other, staring blankly forward with nauseating smiles�and the odor! God, where did my life go awry? I wanted to be a musician! Now what am I? A ringleader for these wretched mutants that incessantly play cover songs to annoy the entire crowd and school body!�

The director then promptly ran into oncoming traffic.