Christmas Isn't About Presents: IT'S ABOUT REVENGE

Well, here we are again, another Christmas season. And, no big surprise, all of thou down there on Earth are fuckething it up again. Look, how many hyper-expensive Hollywood blockbusters do I have to have churned out before thou shalt remembereth that Christmas isn�t about money and

material goods? How many made-for-TV movies before thou shalt stoppeth being such consumer whores? How many re-showings of It�s A Wonderful Life again and again and again, how many repetitions of the phrase �every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings� (which is preposterous, by the way; an angel gets its wings every time Ludacris goes platinum), how many country artists� covers of �The Little Drummer Boy� before thou shalt finally putteth away thy checkbooks and get down to the real, basic meaning of Christmas: cold-blooded vengeance?

That�s right, I�ve been trying to tell thou all this for two millennia, and by Me, thou shalt getteth it right this time! I�ve had quite enough of this pansy, peaceful, �brotherly love� crap thou all speweth from thy mouths in the Christmas season. Looketh, if thou wantest to walk around being a fairy, thou hast missed thy chance at Halloween. Christmas from this day forth shall be about one thing and one thing only: finding, and beating the asses of, the bastards who nailed My Son to a piece of wood.

Now, I know what thou all art thinking. �But God,� thou sayeth, �what about the whole Holy Trinity thing? The forgiveness for our sins? I thought you liked us!� And to thou I say: shutteth the fuck up! I can�t believe any of thou bought that Holy Trinity bullshit. I mean, Me-damn, how canst thou possibly believeth that an omnipotent being, His wimpy, pacifist Son, and Casper the Horny Ghost are all the same entity? No, the only Holy Trinity thou shouldst believe in stars Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford. I don�t forgive thou for thy sins! Thou suckest! Thou art probably going to Hell pretty much no matter what, especially thou, George Lucas, who hast soiled Mine own perfection!

Listeneth, if thou wantest to redeem thyself in Mine eyes, the only way thou art going to do so is by kicking a whole lot of ass this Christmas season. Since those Gomorrhans who killed My Son are dead, and their blood so intermingled with the human race that I would have to smite pretty much everyone who doesn�t watch anime in order to cleanse it from the species, I have in My wisdom decided to change My decree slightly. If any of thou pointest out that this makes Me fallible, I swear to Me, I will smite thee so fast thou shalt not even be able to turn thy head before thou turnest to salt . Thy new order is this: thou shalt seeketh out the ass of the man who did the voice acting for Jar-Jar Binks in Epsiode One, and thou shalt then beateth the aforementioned ass unrelentingly! This shall be only the first of many Christmas vengeances! Thou shalt next raineth unwavering blows upon the bodies of the Wachowski Brothers as punishment for The Matrix: Revolutions! And upon the body of Halle Berry for her weak character acting in X-Men! In fact, thou shalt repay her ass doubly for doing it again in X2! Thou shalt continueth in this manner until thou reachest the dark lord himself, and thou shalt throweth Mr. Lucas at My feet and forceth him to beg My forgiveness, which he shall not receive! And when he has suffered my eternal punishment, we shall get really tore up on egg nog! For Mine is the Kingdom, and the Kingdom is going to get ripped!