Clarett: "Tressel Eats Babies"

Former Ohio State running back and current bastion of awesomeness Maurice Clarett has stated, in no uncertain terms, that Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel feasts on the entrails of small children. The comments come during a string of scandals that have plagued THE Ohio State University, with allegations ranging from illegal monetary donations for star players, to homosexual relationships between Ohio State Athletic Director Andy Geiger and Brutus the Buckeye.

�Yo, man. Tress, like, he didn�t want anyone to know that he liked to eat babies. He was all like, �Yo, hey, Maurice, yeah, like, don�t tell no one, ok?� and I was all like, �No man, I�m not taking yo� fall. Right?�� Clarett said, during a press conference on Thursday.

Neither Tressel or Geiger were available for comment, but former star and current nobody Andy Katzenmoyer did provide some insight.

�The fuck do I care?� (Ed. Note: It should be noted that these were the only five coherent words that Katzenmoyer grumbled, and his overall comprehension of the English language during the interview was at the level of a cabbage.)

Former Ohio State quarterback and Academic All-American Craig Krenzel, when reached for comment, said, �This situation reminds me a lot of the trp operon, in that the very proteins being produced by the operon are those that serve to regulate it. You see, in this case, the �proteins� are the players being produced by the �operon,� or the University. I majored in Molecular Genetics, you know.�

Krenzel then went off to turn the ball over some more and lose some more games for the Chicago Bears, the loser.

It seems as if THE Ohio State University�s reputation as an honest and decent institution has been tarnished by this one loose cannon, which should come as no surprise to anyone who�s paid any attention to Columbus, Ohio throughout the years.

In another note, Michigan Football Coach Lloyd Carr called the allegations �tremendous.�