California Continues Not To Get What It Deserves
Scientists were baffled by their inability to predict the disaster. �Oh, yeah, we knew [the earthquake] was coming,� said Dr. Schneebler, Ph.D., geophysicist and head of the Pacific Tsunami Early Warning Center. �We just thought it was going to hit California and finally knock it into the sea once and for all. That�s why we didn�t say anything beforehand; it�s not our place to meddle with sweet, sweet divine justice. But it looks like God has fucked up royally again and punished the innocent while not harming a hair on those latte-drinking, poodle-grooming, yuppie fuckers� heads. It�s at times like this that I�m proud to be an atheist. That and whenever I�m near an unsupervised petting zoo.�
�Schneebler is right,� said Dr. Hillemeier, a member of Schneebler�s organization, �and the data confirms it. Not only did all signs point to an impending quake on the San Andreas fault line, but this pie graph clearly shows that nine out of ten Californians engage weekly in the drinking of lattes and the grooming of poodles, sometimes even simultaneously. We figured we had a real Sodom and Gomorrah: Part Two on our hands, so we just bought some popcorn and sat back to enjoy the show. Some show it turned out to be. Omniscient and omnipotent my ass! Even a drunken seventeen-year-old fucking for the first time has better aim than that.�
�The popcorn was pretty good, though,� said Schneebler.
Most Californians were rather pleased with the news of their reprieve. �This gives me way more time to groom my poodle,� said Barbara McDermott, a native Californian. �And to me, Fluffy�s happiness is far more important than the lives of a bunch of silly Injuns. I mean, if they�re going to go and get decimated by a tidal wave, you would think that they would have the foresight to build some birch bark canoes or something.�
Surprisingly, though, some Californians regretted the mishap. �Dude, sixty-foot waves?� said Dave Harshon, Santa Cruz surf bum. �That�s so wicked I can�t fuckin� believe it! Those Indonesians get all the luck. Except for that dysentery and proliferation of bloated corpses. But other than that, gnarly!�
�Yeah, I kinda fucked that one up,� said God. �I was pretty tied up in a game of Cranium with Zeus and Odin, and I sorta lost track of the time. I�m happy to say, though, that while California may not have gotten its just desserts, Zeus and Odin sure did. Ain�t nobody can mess with Jehovah when it comes to the Word Worm!�
God then made the goat-horns sign with his hand, head-banged, and pretended to play the air guitar.