Millions Tired of "Christmas/Birthday Present" Bullshit
Speaking for the unlucky few whose parents had dirty, dirty sex in late March, Brenda Holmes said what was on everyone�s mind Tuesday, denouncing her parents� fondness for �Christmas/Birthday presents.��It�s fucking bullshit that your parents can give you half the presents and half the celebration for two celebration-worthy events,� said Holmes, a Christian who turned seventeen on December 21st. �I�m not asking for two parties, but I want the focus of Christmas to be on me. Last time I checked there wasn�t anything in the Bible about Jesus stealing my presents. He always gets everything. No one pays attention to me. Everything�s always about Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!� Holmes whined to the bemusement of on-looking Holmes family housekeeper/loveably asexual bull dyke, Alice.
While there are currently no legal ways to change a birthday, thoughtful parents need not resign themselves to the possibility of an unfortunately timed birth. According to Katherine Morrison, spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, there exists something called �birth control� which can �prevent conception� when used properly. �If used in late March, birth control will prevent your child�s birthday from falling near Christmas,� said Morrison. �Of course, if you�re looking to save a little money each year in the present department, my advice is to forget the condoms come late March and saddle up your wife like you�re trying to re-tame the West.�
Added Morrison: �You know, have intercourse. Penis in vagina. That�s how babies are made. With a penis. And a vagina. And by making lots of mood-setting amateur porn. Preferably with really good lighting, so you can both see how ridicul�er, sexy�you look. Oh, and I almost forgot--penis penis penis vagina vagina vagina. I get to say that because I work for Planned Parenthood and that�s what we do.�
If your little bundle of evil has already been delivered, however, there isn�t much you can do. But, according to Martin Cameron, there is one option: raise the child as a Jehovah�s Witness. �Now that I�m Witnessing, I can celebrate Christmas whenever I want!� said Cameron, a reformed Christian born on December 25th. �Well, at least when I�m not knocking on random people�s doors or eating children. Plus, that iPod and the pony Jesus would have stolen from me have provided infinitely more love and comfort than a God nobody�s ever seen.�