Christmas Party Ruined by Awkward Goodbye Hug
Patrick was, at first, apprehensive about whether or not he should even attempt to hug his grandmother, who suffers from a plethora of debilitating diseases named for her, including �Zampilloitis� and the equally catchy �Nana Nana Bo Bana Banana Fana Fo Fanatosis.�
�She�s not really the most inspiring person to even look at, let alone embrace. I was thinking that maybe I�d shake her hand or salute her from a distance or something, but it didn�t seem like the right thing to do,� Patrick remarked.
Initially, the University of Oklahoma freshman (motto: One-hundred years of �Ha ha, we tricked you into going to the University of Oklahoma�) thought he might avoid the entire situation by timing a bathroom run while his grandparents attempted to leave, but his grandparents� car�s engine problems, along with the embarrassment of sitting in the bathroom for an entire hour and a half, put an end to that.
�So I get out of the bathroom and she�s still there, and I don�t know what to do. She motions like she wants me to hug her or something, which in itself was a feat of ambition for such an old woman. I think I heard several bones in her arm snap. I made up my mind to go over there and make an effort to wrap my arms around her, careful not to make, you know, actual contact, but it looked like the least sincere thing since I pity fucked that fat girl from my Spanish discussion,� Patrick recounts. �Now my dad�s side of the family hates me and the less said about my mom�s side of the family, the better.�
In order to deal with the awkwardness, Patrick�s father suggested �forcing the ingrate to do some slave labor on the pasture� and �selling him outright.� It is unclear whether the family will celebrate Christmas again.