Under-Age Drinking Suspected on Campus, DPS Has No Suspects
With winter break completed and another semester under their belts, the somewhat dimwitted, but still kind-hearted folks at Ann Arbor�s Department of Public Safety congratulated each other on another job well done.�Last year,� reported DPS Chief Bob Bobson (handle: Bobbykins), �we came closer to solving the enigma of under-age drinking on campus than we ever have before.� He then went to look up enigma in the dictionary, and thus confirmed his original statement. �We don�t want to say for sure � we�ve had problems with aliens listening in the past � but we�re almost certain that there are a small number of students drinking on campus who are not yet 21 years of age.�
The DPS team normally spends most of its time tracking down stolen backpacks and/or stealing backpacks so that they have something to track down, but this �new threat� poses a rare opportunity for the partially-trained staff to demonstrate more completely their true lack of potential.
�Well, the problem,� explained Sergeant Ralph Mastow (handle: Lumpy Pancake), �was that we were being misled. As you know, houses are required to put up signs that remind attendants that they must be at least 21 years-old to drink. Well, as it turns out, new intel suggests that some younger students are still drinking, even though they see the signs. Can you believe it?� Mastow added that he could not believe it, and then shot himself in the head to prove it.
During December of 2004, the DPS crew actually managed to arrest six people for the misdemeanor, five of whom were quickly revealed to be over 21, while the sixth, after lengthy interrogation, turned out to be a box full a various inanimate objects. As of yet, they still have no suspects.
�It is a tough call when you�re out there,� reported Lieutenant Officer Tony Machos (handle: Eileen). �I personally like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Those girls walking around half-naked with puke on their face are probably just going through chemo, and the guys carrying paper bags with bottles inside are probably just drinking Gatorade so that they have the needed carbs and electrolytes to sexually molest those cancerous girls later.�
The true brains behind the operation happens to be their police canine Bitches (handle: Vince Young), who is currently the only member of the squad to have successfully arrested a student for under-age drinking. However, the student walked when Bitches was unable to attend the court hearing due to a scheduling conflict with making our linebackers and safeties look like assholes.
The force�s long-term plans involve being able to identify and stop the problem sometime before the second coming of Christ, but they�re not making any promises. �When it comes down to it,� said Chief Bobson, �DPS just doesn�t have the time to crack down on underage drinking when we have the far more pressing matters of constant rape and homicide to concern ourselves with, wait what?�