I Swear To God That Tree Just Fucking Moved
by A Freshman Smoking Pot for the First Time
Damn. Yeah, it does kind of burn. I held it in pretty good that time, like you told me to. But I�m not really noticing anything different. Same old Arb so far. I guess it�s true that you don�t really get high your first�
Holy shit. Did anyone else see that? That tree over there! What do you mean, �What tree?� I swear to God that tree just fucking moved. What the fuck are you laughing at? I�m telling you, it, like, took a step to the left.
Oh Jesus.
Shut the fuck up! Something�s really wrong. Was that weed laced with something? Because this doesn�t feel right. Jesus Christ. My heart is fucking pounding.
Holyfuckgetbehindthetree. I just saw a cop car roll past and I think he saw us. We�re gonna get fucking arrested and I�m going to lose all my financial aid and my parents will kick me out of the house all because you guys make me smoke some PCP or whatever the fuck it was.
Okay. I need to calm down. Count to ten. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Something just brushed against my leg!
I�m shaking so hard. I need to go for a walk. I�ll be back in a minute.
Those guys are fucking plotting against me; I know it! While I�m over here they�re gonna leave and call the cops on me and then the cops will start beating me. I just know it. Why did I have to smoke pot? Why?
Okay. Okay. I need to go back there. Play it cool. Make sure they�re not gonna do anything to me.
Hey guys, what are you talking about? Me? No, I�m not being paranoid. I�m pretty sure you were talking about me. Fuck you guys! I can�t stand this shit. You�re always talking shit behind my back and I don�t know why I put up with it!
Oh God what if my mom calls me and she realizes how high I am when I answer my phone and then she makes me drop out of school to enter rehab?
Stop fucking laughing! This is why you guys are assholes. I never should have come out here with you guys.
Ah. My heart. It�s still pounding. Wasn�t there some article about a kid who smoked weed and then he had a heart attack? Or a brain aneurysm? Holy shit I just got the worst headache. I don�t want to fucking die! I�m sorry I yelled at you guys. If I die you can have all my shit. Please just take me to the hospital. I feel faint. I don�t want to die out here. Why did I smoke? This was the worst fucking decision I ever made. There�s a weird taste in my mouth. I think I have internal bleeding.
I swear to God if I survive this night I am never smoking pot again.
Holy shit. Was that a coyote?
A Freshman Smoking Pot for the First Time is a nationally syndicated columnist. His younger brother, A High School Sophomore Getting Drunk for the First Time, won a Pulitzer last year for his column entitled �I�m So Fucked Off of This O�Douls!�