Hey Sis, Thanks For Getting Pregnant And Upstaging My Burt Reynolds Sighting
This Christmas, I, Tim Thunderburg, had the chance to give our family a very special gift. No, I�m not talking about togetherness or spiritual meaning or even a turkey deep-fryer. This was to be the Christmas where I, Mr. T. Thunderburg, gave the greatest holiday gift of all, something our family could truly cherish for generations: a hilarious celebrity sighting story.
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I can still imagine what it would have been like, clearing my throat after dinner to get everyone�s attention and then verbally unwrapping my magical gift. Scene: Detroit Metro Airport, a crisp, December day. �I, Ice T. Thunderburg, had just settled into my window seat for the flight home when someone sat down next to me, and my life � our lives - changed forever.� I know what you�re thinking: �Who sat down next to you, T-Bone Thunderburg? Who?! A beautiful woman? An albino? Wilford Brimley?!�
(I would pause here for dramatic effect, taking a sip of my wine cooler and letting the tension build before leaping from my chair to scream the answer...)
�BURT REYNOLDS!,� I would exclaim. �THE Burt Reynolds, sitting right next to me...in coach! If Jesus H. Christ would have sat down next to me, I would not have been more thrilled.� Everyone�s eyes would be wide, with favorite presents forgotten as thoughts of Cannonball Run danced through their heads. �I was just about to introduce myself, Big Tim Thunderburg, to him when he put in some earplugs and slipped on a sleep mask that had �Fuck Loni� embroidered on the front. But I know he wasn�t sleeping because when the drink cart came by he ordered three tiny bottles of Jack Daniels and a Diet Coke. �And I want the whole can,� he said firmly, then paid for the booze, mixed the drink, and downed it all without ever taking off the sleep mask. He�s so prolific.�
But this magical tale, those joyous salty tears, that dramatic sip of wine cooler, all of it was destroyed when as Christmas dinner was closing you uttered those four ridiculous words: �I�m having a baby.� My heart � Sad Tim Thunderburg�s heart � sank at those words, and I know that in some Extended Stay America on the outskirts of Hollywood, Burt Reynold�s heart sank, too.
Whoopie! Everyone loves a baby, right? Wrong. I happen to know that Burt Reynolds hates babies, and now Tim �Pro-Choice� Thunderburg does too, thanks to your pregnant pre-emption. And while it may be true that this past Christmas will be remembered most for your out-of-wedlock papoose, and not for the Burt Reynolds story that our family so richly deserved, I ask you this: How many People�s Choice Awards do you think your precious baby is going to win?
Burt Reynolds won 12, by the way. That should be easy for you to remember, since it�s exactly half the number of potential fathers for your ruinous embryo.
Happy Holidays from your brother,
Tim �The Man� Thunderburg