Bush Captures Tsunami

Two Articles In Blatant Opposition Appear in Single Newspaper

Aiming to give hope to those injured by the recent natural disasters, President George Bush announced Tuesday that he apprehended the tsunami last seen ravaging the South Pacific.

�Ladies and Gentlemen,� said the President, �we got him.�

Dramatically pulling forth a jar of water from behind his podium and holding it aloft for all to see, Bush continued, �He was hard to find because he�s real shifty�you know, constantly changing to take the shape of his container, like that guy Odo on Deep Space Nine. But don�t you worry: like Odo, the tsunami proved no match for yours truly in one-on-one hand-to-hand combat.�

According to Bush, he apprehended the tsunami when it made an ill-advised appearance in the First Bathroom. �He�s bold, I have to give him that, coming at me in my shower,� said Bush. �He got in a few licks, but after a few moments I was able to wrestle him to the ground and herd him into this here plastic bag.�