Second Coming of Christ Aborted
Holy Child "Would Have Totally Fucked Up My Life," Says Businesswoman
�I was at home, minding my own business, when suddenly this man comes crashing through my roof with a really bright light,� said Inwood. �He was babbling on about the Lord being with me and saying things like �art thou amongst� and �fruit of thy womb,� and almost immediately I knew what he was up to.�
Inwod stopped the angel mid-speech and declined, explaining that she was up for a big promotion and also had a bit of a coke habit, but the angel insisted that God had already impregnated her. �So I said to him, �You fly back up there and tell Him that I don�t want this,� remembers Inwood, to which the angel remarked that she was going to give birth to Christ whether she liked it or not. Says Inwood, �Boy, did I show them.�
A week later, Inwoood visited Dr. Alvin Michaels and aborted the Christ child. Asked to comment, Dr. Michaels said, �Good lord! That was Christ? She told me it was just another illegitimate Kennedy.� Michaels then banged his head against a wall, saying, �Shit, shit, I�m going to hell,� until he remembered suddenly that he himself was Jewish, at which point he exclaimed �Two for two!� and went about his business.
In response to Inwood�s decision, a local anti-abortion group, Victims of Christ�s Abortion (VOCA), has been formed. Reverend Robert Thurger, a founding member of VOCA, said, �What Mary � and every other woman getting an abortion � needs to realize is that she is going to hell. She will be tortured eternally by Lucifer�s minions alongside thieves, liars, rapists, murderers, Democrats, Anna Nicole Smith, and the French.� Thurger then pushed a gay into traffic.
�I have perfectly good reasons for doing this,� said Inwood, who is unmarried because of her demanding role as president of her advertising agency. �I work about 60 hours during one of my easier weeks, and it�s not like God had consulted me about the whole thing first. Next time He wants to knock me up immaculately, he should call my secretary and schedule a lunch. Maybe I could have pulled it off for a little while, but several months of maternity leave would have really hurt the firm.�
She added, �Plus, I kind of knew he was going to die at thirty-three anyway, so I wanted to get the whole thing over with before I got a chance to become too attached to the kid.�