The Every Three Weekly Obligatory Advice Column
Here at the E3W, we are a caring, altruistic bunch. That's why we're taking time out of our busy lives to help you navigate your meaningless existence. If you are feeling particularly masochistic, please write to us for advice at threeweeks.advice@umich.edu.
Ever since I came to school, I can't keep my mind off this girl at the end of my hall. I don't know much about her, but I think she might be the woman of my dreams. She's funny, beautiful, and seems to be really nice. How can I go about getting her interested?
-Lonely in Lloyd
This Month's Response From:
Stuart Traugh, Computer Science Senior, College of Engineering
Dear Lonely,
The situation you're having is a familiar one for many people. I remember it somewhere around my senior year of High School, I had a crush on this girl that I had class with. I was scared, but eventually I realized the only things holding me back were my own silly doubts and my online marriage to the High Elf Farwarthen.
One day after class, and a lengthy, mystical divorce, I swallowed my fears and asked this girl out that I'd been looking at all year. She turned me down, but I learned some important lessons. One, fearing what might happen isn't worth the regret of not doing anything, and two; it's usually not a good idea to ask out your sixty-year old calculus teacher. But man, I would've integrated that hot, wrinkly pussy, any day.
That being said, the first thing you need to do is let her know you're interested. Follow her around campus, make sure she sees you wherever she goes, and knows that you're dedicated to sitting around and staring at her. If you think she doesn't understand your level of seriousness by then, you can always write a computer virus and name it after her. Nothing says "I love you" like a malicious, self-propagating worm, crippling the world's computer systems.
Having now piqued her interest, it's time to initiate conversation. Walk down the hall and try to talk with her under the guise an innocuous query. Ask her if she's also having trouble with her Internet connection, or if she's noticed that her ping time to the mail server has been fluctuating wildly in the last week, too. At this point, she will be so overwhelmed by your technical prowess that she's sure to invite you in for cybersex, but without the computer. This is the time to let your years of self-gratification show their merits and prove that you're a dynamo in the sack, like your chatroom girlfriend assured you that you were.
If you're still having trouble initiating the face-to-face contact, find your nearest Dungeon Master and ask to borrow a Cloak of Charisma +2. Also borrow the Spermicidal Penis Hat, but remember to return it upon completion. Don't forget to take a flute with you and cast Charm Person on the girl you intend, perhaps even consider casting it as a Level 2 or even a Level 3 spell. This is sure to woo her and she may even ask to handle your dice.
If none of this works, then it's entirely possible the two of you just aren't meant to be. In that case, it's better just to move on. At least you'll be able to tell yourself that you tried while you're rubbing your Mom's sore feet every Saturday night until the day you die.