THE EVERY THREE WEEKLY GUIDE TO...BREAKING YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

Just pick up the knife and walk into her room. You know it�s the real way to fix things.

Plastic surgery is a very popular tool these days. You can say that you�re eventually getting plastic surgery when people ask why you keep eating so damn much.

If you have to drink, mix one part gasoline with three parts beer to teach yourself a lesson.

Go ahead and masturbate; it�s not a crime. Just try not to do it while your brother�s in the room. Or with a pair of scissors. Or into anybody�s drink.

Try a series of �alternate toilets�.

Instead of food, spend every last cent on Lladro figurines.

Remember: It isn�t cheating if the background porn is the same video you use with your significant other.

Whatever you�re doing, try to somehow incorporate a dildo and a funnel into the process.

When confused, simply ask yourself: What would Snoop Dogg do?

Think of the nice, soothing sensation of heroin. Yes, that�s right. Now keep thinking of it, how the needle feels so good...oh yes. Deep in your brain, washing over your whole body, soaking into your soul. Don�t you love it? Don�t you miss it? Of course you do.

Instead of �Thou shalt not kill,� just try to kill somebody in God�s name. That should be good enough.

Who needs a soul? Just buy the damn Ashlee Simpson album.

You�re young, dumb, and full of gold medals--what�s another drink gonna hurt?

You know people like to be masturbated at from their front porch. Stop being a pussy.

It may hurt the first time, but it feels great the second through ninety-seventh times.

The legal age of consent in Kentucky is fourteen and they don�t call Michigan the Kentucky of the North for nothing.

Your roommate will understand that your bed just doesn�t allow for the kind of hardcore pound fucking that his does. You�ll wash his sheets later if you have time.

The second abortion was rough and you were right in making that resolution, but it�s important to remember that ass babies don�t live.

Look, if you don�t watch sadomasochistic pornography in lecture, who will?

But those Klan robes accentuate your breasts so nicely.