Local Rapist Surprised At Being Named Time's Person Of The Year
"It didn't really make sense," McDonough said of the magazine's choice. "I thought it was odd that Time would select someone who'd been convicted of ten cases of sexual assault. Not to mention...certain 'other' things."
"But after a while, I realized that, though I'd shattered the ability for those ten women to trust men ever again, and, were it not for the nation's prison overpopulation problem, I should still be behind bars because of my persistent psycho-erotic tendencies, I'm deep down a good person, who deserves this honor" he added.
The cover TIME magazine's issue featuring the Person of the Year featured a mirror and the word "You." McDonough said that he was thankful the magazine did a lot to personalize the win, allowing him to feel intimately congratulated by a magazine he'd never felt had its congratulatory eyes on him.
"I just felt sorry for all the other shmoes who saw the magazine, and read 'Him' instead of 'You', meaning 'Me,'" McDonough said. "After all, it just rubs it in their faces that it's not them that won, but me, which was the meaning of 'You' for me, and not them."
"It's confusing for some," he added, "but for a Person of the Year, it's pretty easy to grasp."
McDonough said that, following the shock, he experienced a crisis of faith in himself and his ability to accept the award.
"When you're a serial rapist like I am, you ask yourself, am I the best representative of today's cutthroat, innovative technology age? Have I done anything, besides bludgeoning and raping ten brunettes at knife point, to better the world around me? The answer is largely, for all intents and purposes, mostly, in a matter of words, somewhat no."
"I think that when I changed my name last January it bettered my chances. All of a sudden I was a normal, everyday working man, who hadn't been on the sex offender's registry for seventeen years, and definitely hadn't also been named MetroTimes Sex Offender of the Year."
"Things almost came apart in May, when the FBI kicked down my door and confiscated all the stolen panties and illegal pornography I had sewn into the mattress. But I managed to turn things around and pull my life back together, and I'm glad a national news magazine like Time recognized that."
McDonough says the esteemed honor hasn't changed his overall outlook on life, adding that he will continue to torture and mutilate himself when the need for violation becomes too strong "because that's what's worked before, and it continues to work today."
McDonough also points out that Hitler won the award in 1938, "and that didn't stop him from almost destroying Western Civilization as we know it."
TIME's controversial cover has led to several discrepancies. Reportedly, local accountant Jim Towsley, local butcher Sven Ilyitch, deceased author Fyodor Dostoevsky, and U2's Bono all mistakenly felt that they were named Person of the Year.
"I didn't feel quailfied," said Dostoevsky of the ruling, saying he hadn't done much to change the world of 2006 "except for about a million years ago when I wrote Anna Karenina. Or was it Tolstoy that wrote Anna Karenina? Shit, I always get us confused."
Bono, on the other hand, felt the award was a long time coming.
"I was pleased to finally be recognized for feeding all of the Nigerian, Liberian, Kenyan, Moroccan, and Djiboutian vagrants suffering from any number of horrible diseases that I've helped feed," Bono said, adding, "which, by recent measure, totals 622,413 men, women and children."
"It's about fucking time," added the arrogant, piece of shit rock singer.