Luckless Political Pundit No Longer Able to Publish Scathing Indictment of Gerald Ford's Presidency
"Gerald Ford Absolutely Sucked" probably not making it to bookshelves this winter
Ford's death marks not only that of the oldest President, but also the death of local political pundit Jerry Hatley's hopes of publishing his new book entitled, "Gerald Ford Absolutely Sucked".
"I felt the time was ripe for the nation to relive Ford's incredibly dumb, bumbling, and incoherent tenure as Commander-in-Chief," said Hatley, adding, "and then he up and died on me."
Hatley's critical manifesto was written on the extremely paltry profit made by his previous tome, "Ronald Reagan Destroyed America," which was released in the spring of 2004, a week before Reagan's untimely passing. The book was criticized the nation over for its impeccably poor timing.
Hatley began his most recent novel in 2000, when the nation was just beginning to feel the effects of "Ford-onomics." At the time, Ford was in perfect health.
"It was the perfect opportunity to hit that old fart right where it hurt. After all, this guy played football, he had a thick skin. I think it was around that time that he was hooked up to an IV, and everything got a little less scathing."
Hatley watched Ford's declining health with growing alarm, and began pressuring the publishing company to print it as soon as possible, but, unfortunately for Hatley, the gears of political criticism turn mighty slow.
"I have no regrets, " said Hatley, who claimed he felt like the title spoke to the heart of Gerald Ford's presidency. "Namely, that he was a big weenie and absolutely sucked."
Ford's presidency, Hatley writes, began on a sour note with the pardoning of President Richard Nixon. The ineffectual run on a limp economy over the next two and a half years was both figurative, including gaffes on policy towards the free market and the Soviet Union, and literal, with Ford pathologically tripping and falling down any numbers of steps at any given moment.
"Granted, most Presidents are tools used by multinational corporations for personal profit and governmental racketeering," said pundit Don Matone. "Ford was just kind of a weenie about it, and Hatley's book, had it been published in time, might have changed hearts and minds."
Hatley, it turns out, is descended from a long line of political critics and thinkers who also had remarkably bad timing. His great-great-great-grandfather, Atticus Hatley, penned a scathing review of George Washington's presidency that was set for print the day before Washington died in 1799. The book, titled, "Little Care I Fore George Washington & Hise Policies", never saw the light of day.
Atticus's son, Finley, also an esteemed critic of his day, wrote an analysis of Jacksonian democracy that slammed the former president for his hostile attitude toward the Second Bank of America. Unfortunately, "Andrew Jackson Is A Churlish Boor, I Daresay" also fell victim to censorship after Jackson died suddenly a day before release.
What followed included such unpublished manuscripts as "I Certainly Hope William Henry Harrison's Tenure Lasts No More Than 31 Days!", "Mr. Lincoln, Stay Out Of Politics And Just Go To The Theatre", "McKinley, You Dummee!! :)", "Why Don't You Get Up Out Of That Chair And Say That, Mr. Roosevelt?" and the infamous, "JFK Is Gay."
Hatley says he's down but not out, and plans to begin work on an analysis of Clinton's faux-liberalism, tentatively titled, "I'll Bet He's Got Some Sort Of STD: Clinton And The New Left."
In a related story, pundits and comedians everywhere pray that Dan Quayle holds on for at least a few more years, as there are some lingering jokes to be made at his expense, including this one.