Gerald Ford's Corpse Plays In Final, Emotional Rose Bowl
Deceased ex-president receives touching farewell, allows six sacks
Ford's corpse, which suited up at center on the Wolverines offensive line for the game in Pasadena, CA on New Year's Day, was determined eligible to play by the NCAA in a landmark ruling regarding whether the ability to move, breathe, or think independently should be a determining factor for college eligibility.
"After a little research, we found out that there's no rule against the deceased playing," Dean Rusk, president of the NCAA, wrote in a statement.
"Besides, most of the corpse's aptitude scores were higher than many of the players we normally allow," added Rusk. "Have you had a conversation with Vince Young lately?"
Ford, who played for the Wolverines as an undergraduate student between 1931-1934, gave a moving performance on the field, one that, despite allowing six sacks and offering little to no protection for quarterback Chad Henne in the pocket, was arguably beyond reproach.
"It was difficult snapping the ball from his cold, lifeless hands," Henne said. "But we all knew that, even from beyond the grave, he was trying as hard as he could."
"I just hope I'm in that good of a condition when I kick the bucket," Henne thoughtfully added.
Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr also had warm words for Ford's performance.
"Gerald Ford is a good, tough, physical cadaver," Carr said in a post-game conference. "I don't regret playing him, even if it cost us the game."
The renowned Michigan coach was heavily criticized for his decision to play Ford over starting center Mark Bihl and received several complaints from loyal Michigan fans until they realized that Carr is also a corpse, having passed away shortly after his National Championship win in 1997.
Services for the departed coach will be held in February.
Criticized for a lack of balance and guile during his life, Ford was, in reality, a remarkably gifted and hale sportsman, both in life and death.
"He's probably one of the most athletic ex-presidential corpses in American history," Glenn Young, Ford's biographer, said of the president's frail condition. "You wouldn't have seen that kind of performance from Nixon, who probably would have stabbed the football with a shiv in his sleeve if he had been losing as bad as Michigan was."
The landmark ruling prompted an equally emotional performance by the dead body of Ronald Reagan in Notre Dame's 41-14 loss to LSU in the Sugar Bowl on Jan. 3rd. Reagan, who played George "The Gipper" Gip in the 30's film, Knute Rockne All-American, died in 2003 and was exhumed to play as running back for Notre Dame to embarrass itself for the third time this football season.
"He kept forgetting his routes," Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn said of Reagan's performance. "But it didn't really matter; we haven't won a quality game in about four years or a bowl in nine. Why start now?"