Top Aides, World of Warcraft Players Advise Bush on New Iraq Policy

WASHINGTON DC -- Earlier this month, President Bush announced his plan to increase ground forces in Iraq in a troop surge of a kind not seen since the war began in 2003. Despite sagging popularity ratings and a majority of Americans urging an end to the conflict in Iraq, Bush went along with the advice of his staff and thousands of players of the popular online game "World of Warcraft" and ultimately authorized the deployment of over 20,000 more troops to the region.

"The only way to win the war is by keeping up our troop commitment in the region," said Lovestogank, a Night Elf Rogue from the Kargath server. "If we cut our forces in the region, it'll be just as bad as if your main tank loses aggro on an attempt on Vaelastraz the Corrupt in Blackwing Lair. There's just no way to win the fight."

Alliance members are not the only ones encouraging troop deployment. Traditionally considered the "evil" faction, members of the Horde are stepping up in equal proportions in order to support the president. Officials were astonished to see such such cooperation, an effort not seen since the defeat of the Burning Legion at the Battle of Mount Hyjal over four years ago.

"Now that Saddam has been executed, we have a unique opportunity to establish a more stable Iraq," said Malevor, a Tauren Shaman on the Boulderfist server. "Though many more troops might die, their spirits will ascend to the ranks of the honored dead." Malevor then took a sip of his uber-intense SlusheeFizz.

Fellow Boulderfistian and Malevor's guildmate, Blargg, doubted the opinion of those supporting the war.

"Blargg no think extra troops answer. Malevor young, only level 52, inexperienced. Quick withdrawal best, train Iraqi army. BLARGG!"

Skeptics of the plan doubt the qualifications of Bush's new advisers, but the President has gone over the strategies himself and assures the public that they are sound. Thomas Nguyen, diagnosed schizophrenic and the player behind both characters Malevor and Blargg, doubted his own qualifications as an adviser to the conflict.

"I do not feel that I can continue to provide advice for the Iraq conflict. Besides, the Burning Crusade expansion just came out and I'm gonna be stuck in the Caverns of Time for a couple of months."

"OMG 1 c4n't b3l13v3 my 4dv1s3rs 4r3 such n00bs," said the President in response to dwindling availability of his new advising committee.

"Despite any lack of real wartime experience, the strategies offered by Warcraft players are very compelling," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "From now on, we intend doing most of our fighting near graveyards, so our soldiers have to spend less time running back to their corpses."

Gates went on to express his concerns about morale issues in Iraq, most notably that soldiers are spending way too much time AFK after they die.

"We really need those dead soldiers to resurrect pretty soon so we can enact some uber-pwnage on the Iranians," said Gates.