What Am I Supposed To Do With All Of These Fucking Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Cups?

By Randy Glass, Michigan Football Fan

Well, here I am, awash in someone else's beer, my official Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Sweatshirt sticking to my official Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Undershirt, watching Pete Carroll give another of his nebbish glory speeches -- probably the one he saved for a different outcome at the UCLA game. Meanwhile, piece-of-shit Californians everywhere pat themselves on the back, in one of the worst states in the Union, and I can't even play pocket pool, or grab my wife on the ass.

Why? Because my hands are full of official Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Cups. So tell me: What am I supposed to do with all of these fucking Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Cups?

I think I'm on number nine or ten. I wish I had at least one hand free, so I could stick my ridiculously lame Midwestern thumb up my ass, and make all of these Californians' dreams come true.

It's bad enough they stopped selling beer after the third quarter, and that they make you buy another Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Cup every single time you order a beer. But the fact is, I want to remember this game about as much as I want to remember being fondled by my uncle. This is the worst Michigan's been beaten in recent memory. I wonder if Lloyd Carr's conservative-play-calling asshole has room for all ten of these Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Cups?

I've never seen a merchandising gimmick so grossly obvious. I'd like to crush each of this cups under my feet like a Jewish wedding, but I think they're made of unbreakable plastic, which only makes my frustration worse.

And Citibank is sponsoring this shindig—aren't they owned by the bin Laden's? So I've contributed ten Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Beers worth of money to terrorism. I'd ask for my money back, but it's probably been used to destroy a restaurant on the Gaza Strip.

The same thing happened with all of the merchandise I bought from Ford Field for Super Bowl XL, which was about as dull and empty a television event as the Nagano Olympics. I think I currently use the sweatshirt from that game for wiping off the dipstick when I check the oil on my Mazda. And that looks like the fate of these fucking Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Sweatpants.

The cups, I couldn't help, but I definitely should've reconsidered the Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Full Chest Tattoo. That booth definitely stood out, in the wrong way. But I liked the cut of the Rose Bowl 2007 Mexican Tattoo Artist's jib, and I honestly thought we would kick the dogshit out of these Trojans, so who can blame me for having my whole chest sponsored by the 2007 Rose Bowl?

I guess I won't be back to tattoo the final score. That's too bad -- it looked like that guy needed some dinnerware, and I'd be glad to donate all of these goddamned Rose Bowl 2007 Commemorative Cups to his collection.

Fire Lloyd Carr.