University to Stop Weighing Academic Accomplishment For Admissions Decisions
Use of merit-based judgments called "unfair" by administrators, the retarded
When reviewing students' applications in the past, admissions officers would take into account such academic standards as grades, ACT scores, course difficulty, SAT scores, and academic improvement.
Following the referendum, admission to the University will be based entirely on whether the student sends an application to the University on time and whether their name is written on said application. Legislators have yet to decide whether or not students need to spell their name correctly on their applications, as some believe this to constitute a form of Academic Affirmative Action.
The referendum for ending Academic Affirmative Action was pushed through largely on the efforts of the grassroots organization Stop Acadamic Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary (SAAABAMN), who circulated petitions and aired campaign ads in their quest to ensure that the University of Michigan wasn't open solely to the intelligent and the academically gifted.
The referendum was intended to be on the ballot several times during the 1990s and early 2000s. However, due to SAAABAMN's difficulties in understanding how to fill out the necessary paperwork and what exactly a petition was, along with their inability to connects letters to form words, then sentences, on the page, the referendum languished unvoted upon.
After finally consulting a dictionary for the meaning of 'petition' and watching an informative School House Rock cartoon about the American political process, the group managed to get the referendum on the ballot in 2006.
"This victory will go a long way towards ending elitism in the University and making admissions much more equitable for anyone who wants to apply," said SAAABAMN leader Colbert Jeffs. "We're tired of the University looking for the best man for the job. Now, thankfully, they'll just be looking for a man for the job. Any man. It's the American Way."
While the Referendum easily passed in a state-wide vote, many critics believe that we have not seen the end of arguments over Academic Affirmative Action. Frank Bloom, the leader of the student group Defend Academic Affirmative Action Party, says his group will immediately appeal to the Michigan Supreme Court and, if necessary, the United States Supreme Court.
"We will not stand for this," Bloom said. "From the election of George W. Bush to the baffling popularity of Larry the Cable Guy, intelligent people in this country have been under attack for years, and this is just another strike against us." Sources close to Bloom wonder why he doesn't just use his super braniac powers to keep Academic Affirmative Action intact, if he's so smart.
University President Mary Sue Coleman believes, surprisingly, that the end of Academic Affirmative Action will have little effect on the University. Said Coleman: "Some people have argued that an end to academic affirmative action will mean the end of this University as we know it, but I disagree. For example, Michigan State University stopped looking at their applicants' academic information decades ago. Despite that fact, MSU still exists, as the biographical information on countless DUI arrest warrants can attest to."
Coleman further added that in some areas of the University, Academic Affirmative Action has never existed anyway, so the change is not, in effect, as drastic as it may seem. "Look at the football program," Coleman said, "when was the last time anyone there got admitted into the University based on their academic records?"
In anticipation of the ban on academic affirmative action, some classes and majors are being altered to fit the 'dumbed-down' student body administrators are expecting.
The Romance Language Department, for example, will be replaced by the NASCAR department, whereas the Chemistry department will still exist, but will be entirely focused on the creation and maintenance of Methamphetamine labs. The Communications Studies department will remain unchanged.