Traditional "Welcome To America" Pee Misconstrued

Time-Honored Urination Celebration Not Appreciated By All Participants

ANN ARBOR, MI--Last month, a male University of Michigan student was arrested for urinating off of his balcony onto an Asian couple walking below. The incident sparked a firestorm of heated debate over whether or not the student's actions were racially motivated. According to witnesses, however, the student in question was merely honoring the passing couple with the traditional "Welcome to America" pisson- your-head gesture of good will.

"I was just trying to make them feel welcome both on this campus and in America in general," said the accused student, who prefers to go by his code name "The Tricky Tinkler." "You know, the kind of comfort you can only experience when a fellow American relieves himself on your face. I never would have imagined that my message of acceptance would get so horribly misinterpreted. My intentions were good and I am in no way prejudiced against Asian Americans."

Added the Bladder Bandit, "It's those damn Mexicans I can't stand."

Pissing on the heads of foreigners is part of a rich tradition dating back to the time of the Mayflower, when arriving settlers urinated on Native Americans to welcome them onto their newly-repossessed land. Despite the tradition's history, the judicial system and the University have decided to take a different look at the practice.

"It's really terrible that this had to happen," said LS&A junior and friend of the Pesky Piddler, James Heinbeck. "My buddy was just putting forth a welcoming gesture to help make our large university seem just a little bit smaller, and everything had to go and get wrapped up in this giant cultural misunderstanding. I guess it goes to show that one man's head-pissing is another man's cat-vomiting, which, as everyone knows, is the traditional American way of displaying anti- Asian sentiment."

"Is this really any different that the traditional poopon- your-foot goodbye?" asked the Unusual Urinator. "If this ruling stands, it's not long until all of our beloved practices are outlawed. The next thing you know people will be getting arrested for a "Get Well Soon" vomit on a friend's shoulder."

The Asian couple who were victimized by the attack refused to comment, but many believe they will seek compensatory damages from the Wacky Wizzer. They have, however, dismissed allegations that they have plans to retaliate by putting pee-pee in anyone's coke.