Fans Annoyed At Tortured Star's Refusal To Kill Self

Hundreds Of Dollars Of Merchandise Not Worth Thousands

Fans of the heavy metal band Severe Tire Damage remain miffed at lead singer, Tavin McBates, for his continued insistence on living. As the band enters the studio to record a fifth album, internet sites devoted to the group are beginning to criticize McBates for straying from the true path of serious musical geniuses: years of scraping by as a unknown, underground band, followed by a few months of commercial recognition and widespread acclaim that will be tragically cut short by drugs, alcohol, or Courtney Love.

Many fans felt McBates has not lived up to his promises of dying in the prime of his career. "It's all right there in his lyrics," says band superfan Jeff Leto. "Just look at track one on Soul Harvest, 'Electric Chair, Electric Loveseat.' The chorus repeats 'Dying will be the easy part/ I'm already dead' like, ninetythree times." "

Just flippin' die already," Leto pleaded.

Leto is only one of a number of Severe Tire Damage fans who have hoarded any piece of merchandise prominently featuring the band's name in the hopes of making a huge profit off the singer's eagerly anticipated suicide. Last year's concert at DrowningPoolFest 2005 brought new hope when McBates appeared onstage vomiting blood, displayed bandaged arms, and rambled incoherently--an event followers have deemed "a positive sign."

However McBates, who is still living--and is, consequently, not dead--continues to live, despite the objections of those who would prefer him to be deceased. Recent reports have suggested McBates sought counseling soon after DrowningPoolFest, and is now composing an album about his newfound faith in "the Lord," an omniscient being that McBates claims created the earth an indeterminate length of time ago and now speaks directly to Madonna.

The news of his conversion hit fans hard. "I got all of their merchandise stacked up in my basement," said Leto in an online post. "Cardboard cutouts, signed guitars, and all these special editions--all stuff that won't fetch me diddly-squat on Ebay if this asshole doesn't put a bullet in his head post-haste. Is it so much to ask that this guy just croaks for the sole purpose of causing a rapid inflation in the value of his merchandise?"

Leto added his suspicions that McBates is "totally selling out" to his own autonomic nervous system by continuing to breathe, digest food, etc. "It just doesn't make sense, his living," said Leto. "Doesn't he have any self-respect? If I didn't know any better, I'd say this shithead is gonna pull an Axl Rose on us all."