Ann Arbor Police Department Wanted For Racial Discrimination

Suspect “Still On The Loose,” Says AAPD Chief

ANN ARBOR, MI--Responding to recent reports showing an increase in racially-motivated crimes on campus, the Ann Arbor Police Department issued a warrant for the arrest of the party believed to be responsible: the Ann Arbor Police Department. The officers have charged themselves with perpetrating a number of crimes against the black population at the University of Michigan--the most serious charge being racial profiling.

The suspect/prosecution has been using racial epithets and colloquialisms in their descriptions of suspects, calling a small portion of suspects "black males" and the rest "black males under 5'8"." The AAPD has released a statement denying the allegations, saying "It is preposterous to claim we target African-Americans on campus in any way. For example, we frequently ticket cars at expired meters that might belong to white people. See? Equality."

The Department's first transgression against minority groups on campus occurred when a trespasser caught outside of a black fraternity was described as being "off the hizzay." The AAPD later amended the statement, adding "for shizzay," but the search for suspects proved fruitless.

However, the AAPD remains confident in their abilities to bring themselves to justice. "We're pulling out all the stops," said police chief Darren Younger. "I've got men our there round the clock racial profiling, beating potential witnesses, the works. We're armed and ready to catch ourselves in the act. Don't worry, gentle citizens. We'll slip up sooner or later, and when we do, we'll be waiting."