New Line Of Ann Arbor Homeless To Be 46% Creepier
ANN ARBOR, MI--Late Thursday night, at a starstudded gala at the Michigan Union Ballroom, University President Mary Sue Coleman unveiled the 2006 models of the Ann Arbor homeless. The event was emceed by Detroit Lions quarterback Joey Harrington, who told the audience that he had agreed to host the event celebrating the new line of hobos because "I will soon be among their ranks."Coleman promised this year's homeless will feature "a more in-your-face, empassioned design."
"The days of 'Can I have a quarter? Oh, okay, sorry for bothering you.' are gone," said Coleman in her introductory remarks. "In 2006, the average homeless person in Ann Arbor will be concerned not only with obtaining money from student passersby, but also with intimidating, threatening, and--if all goes well--causing them to soil themselves in fear. This will help our students to gain a better understanding of the true homeless experience--not the preppy, submissive homeless who are frequently seen on our local streets."
Coleman continued, "To that end we have scoured the country looking for that special 'je ne sai quoi' that makes hobos so terrifying. So without further ado, I'd like to introduce to you... The 2006 Line of Ann Arbor Homeless!"
With Jay Z's "Big Pimpin'" blasting out of the ballroom speakers, each member of the homeless class of '06 walked the catwalk as photographers captured this exciting first glimpse.
Here were some of the highlights:
The Mad Tagger: This strange-looking gentleman will not say a word to you as you pass him. Instead, he will follow you home, growing closer and closer until he is mere inches from you at your door. Then, when you least expect it, he will smack you on the back, scream 'You're it!' and run off cackling wildly.
The Cartwheeler: A more dynamic, mobile breed of bum, The Cartwheeler will surround you and your friends, doing nothing but--you guessed it-cartwheels. As his acrobatic display ensues, he will howl wildly and, if you do give him money, he will kick you in the face, produce a unicycle seemingly out of thin air, and ride it to safety.
The Professor: One of the more clever indigents of the new line, The Professor somehow obtained a suit, which he will wear to high-level chemistry and engineering classes on their first meeting, claiming to be "Professor Science." His mastery of techno-babble will allow the facade to continue for the first half of the class, until someone notices he is barefoot.
The Jock: A former high school football star, The Jock suffered one too many blindside hits back in the day and now suffers from a dizzying array of mental disorders. As you pass, he will pelt you with footballs, insisting that you play catch with him. But if you agree, he will begin crying hysterically, soiling himself in the process.
The '06 line of homeless are scheduled to be begging on the Diag by the end of the semester.