Trapped In The Clost: The Lost Chapter!
R. Kelly is, without question, the greatest musical visionary in America today. Better yet, in the history of the world. Universe. His ongoing Hip-Hopera Trapped in the Closet is easily the most groundbreaking musical achievement since Handel's "Messiah." In the first installment of our newest monthly feature-- the Every Three Weekly exclusive--we are delighted to bring you, our devoted readers, the lost chapter in this revolutionary R&B saga. (Don't ask us how we got it. Just know that more than one but less than three staffers nearly died as a result.)TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET, CHAPTER 4
SYLVESTER STOPS OFF FOR A SNACK
In This Episode: Shortly after being ticketed on the
drive home, Sylvester feels a rumble in his stomach.
Famished after a long night of extra-marital uglybumpin',
he considers stopping off for a quick bite
before confronting his two-timing whore of a wife...
[R&B rhythm in the background, a low rumble
from Sylvester's stomach]
Man, my stomach's growlin'...
I need some fucking food.
But what about my cheating wife?
Oh, man, what should I do?
[higher] I said to myself, "You should get on home,
[even higher]Put that bitch in her place!"
[higher still] Then my tummy growled again,
[ear-splitting] And I said, "No, I gotta stuff my
face!"
I started lookin' up and down the road,
Tryin' to find somewhere to get some food.
I said "McDonald's? Or maybe Burger King?
A Croissanwich sure sounds good..."
And then I saw me a Hardee's...
I do like me some Hardee's.
Yeah, I really like Hardee's.
Mmmm, mmmm, Hardee's.
I pulled up into the parking lot
Quickly walked inside.
Everything looked so delicious,
Oh, how would I de-ci-i-iiide...
The cashier said, "Hey, my name is Clark,
Can I take your order please?"
[pulling out a gun]
I said "Bitch, you'd better not rush me now
Or I'll shoot you in the knees!"
He said, "Whoa! I'm just tryin' to help you out,
No need to get up-se-ee-eeet!"
[puts away gun]
I said, "Sorry, Clark, I'm a little wound up,
I'm havin' a day I'd rather for-ge-ee-eeet."
I looked at the menu again,
"Clark, get me a number three,
With some tater tots and a big orange juice,
But hold the sausage ple-eee-eease."
He said, "Sure, no problem, it'll just take a sec,
You're order number thirty-five."
So I waited there for a minute or two,
Or three, or four, or fi-i-iive.
Then he brought my food and I almost flipped,
There was some sausage on my biscuits.
I told Clark before to ease off the sausage,
So what the fuck is this!
[pulling out gun again]
[higher] I said, "What the hell is going on?
[yet higher] This is some kind of shit!
[still higher] Are you trying to get yourself
killed?
[Barry Gibb high] I told you hold the sausage,
bitch!"
[music rising in the background]
He said, "I thought you said bacon!"
I said, "No bitch, I said sausage!"
He said, "I swear you said BA-CON!"
I said, "No bitch, I said SAU-SAGE!"
[music returning to normal level]
Just then another guy walked up
And said, "Just chill, my name is Balthazar.
I'm an assistant manager here at Hardee's,
And I want you to get back in your car."
I said, "Balthazar, you better back on up
Before I shoot up your ass, too.
Or better yet, if you run this place,
Why don't you fix my goddamn fo-oo-oood?"
[music rising again]
And he said, "Hey man, try the sausage."
I said, "No way, I hate sausage!"
He said, "Come on, try the sausage."
Clark said, "Yeah, try the sausage!"
I said, "I'd rather die than eat sausage...
Why would I want to eat sausage!"
He said, "Because it's good sausage!"
I said, "There's no such thing as good sausage!!"
Then before I could go further,
Suddenly in walked my mother [echoing]...
[pulls out gun]