I Would Totally Bang That Chick If I Wasn't A Latent Homosexual
by TJ “Donkeypunch” Jones, Sigma Alpha Mu
Fuck you, bro.
I could get any chick I wanted. In fact, I would totally bang that girl if I wasn't a latent homosexual. You heard me. I would go over there, grind my shit all over her, and have her panties off within a half hour. She wouldn't even be able to walk tomorrow morning after I was done with her sweet ass. That's exactly what I'd do if I didn't sometimes have fevered dreams of sweaty encounters with my frat brothers.
She'd be screaming my name over and over. "TJ! TJ! TJ!" she'd cry, unable to contain herself while I worked her out. I'd teach her things about the art of love she'd only read about in cheap novels. I'd let her ride my shit around the world like some sort of mystical lust stallion. Fuck yeah, I would.
If only I could get her to wear this Chad Henne mask.
Man, screw you. You're always doubting me when it comes to chicks, but everyone knows the LADIES LOVE TJ. I'm just the medicine they need. At all hours of the day and night I've got them calling me, Facebooking me, IMing me, whatever. But there are only so many hours in a day, man. I need to prioritize by pussy inbox. There are some days that I can't fi nd the time to slip the sausage injection to any of them; I'm just too fucking busy replying to their advances. But when I want some poon, you better believe it's there. You also better believe I hit that shit from behind with my eyes closed and orgasm screaming the name "Bo Jackson."
Women are a mysterious species, dude. We may think we understand them, but we don't. They play all these confusing mind games that are tough to unravel. Sometimes, I feel like it's not even worth it--that the whole banging chick thing is a mistake. But then I see someone like that fi ne little honey over there and I remember why I'm in the game. God, she'd look so fi erce in a football helmet.
You're so jealous. I can see it in your face, in your gorgeous blue eyes, even in that cute, little button nose of yours. You've started working out, haven't you? God I'd love to fuck... um... that chick across the room. But I, uh, gotta go up to my room and go on the Internet for a while. Peace, bro.