New Orleans Saints Defeat 49ers In Wal-Mart Parking Lot Home Game
Saints Win 28-7 With Four Touchdowns, Three Concussions
"The New Orleans Saints felt that playing a home game in New York was not to their advantage," Tagliabue said regarding the game's unique location. "Since nobody would come to Monster Park for a 49er's game, I decided to move the game to a Louisiana Wal-Mart. This way, the Saints can still play in front of their hometown fans, without having to wade through pools of sewage and dead babies."
The Wal-Mart employees were, as expected, thrilled to hear about the decision. "We heard there was going to be a football game in our parking lot," recalls Associate Manager Ron Hadley, "and, at first, we figured it was just some local street teams or something. But once a bunch of white guys stepped off a giant tour bus, we knew it was either NFL team or those damn N*Sync boys had gotten back together."
During the second quarter, quarterback Aaron Brooks suffered his first of three concussions when he was sacked into the cart return. He rebounded from the first injury quickly, but the effects of the second and third concussions began to show when Brooks confused his great-in-Maddenbut- terrible-in-real-life wide receivers with Greta, the 76 year-old Wal-Mart greeter. Luckily, the New Orleans native and grandmother of three is blessed with excellent lateral mobility, and the Saints quickly signed her to a two-year, $12 million dollar deal.
Unfortunately for the Saints, their energy began to wane when, after collectively suffering ninety-seven broken bones and three skull fractures, the players realized they were playing on solid concrete. After thirty consecutive safeties, the play of the day came from running back Deuce McAllister. Upon receiving the handoff from a concussed Brooks, McAllister jumped in a nearby shopping cart and was pushed to the end zone by his teammates. McAllister finished the game with 150 rushing yards and a lovely homemade bracelet made entirely of human teeth.
"That had to be the most intense game I've ever played," recalled McAllister. "We came out on top and I was fortunate enough to keep all 729 bones in my body intact!"
The 49er's coach, Mike Nolan, took the defeat in stride. "Two things killed our chances at this game: bad defense and multiple fractures of the spinal cord," said Nolan at the post-game conference in the electronic department. "By the time we switched to the Prevent Back Injuries By Waiting For Brooks To Throw The Ball Backwards Defense, we had already lost ten players and three careers. Still, with all those injured starters, we're actually better off for next week's game."
To cement their win, Brooks called on wideout Joe Horn, throwing a 55-yard bomb along parking lot aisle B-1. After Horn jumped into a nearby light pole to make the catch-- barely retaining possession for a touchdown--he ran to the nearest payphone to make a call, but lacked sufficient change and was forced yet again to go through the painfully awkward charade of pretending to be talking to someone when there wasn't anyone there.
When the 49ers challenged the play, referee Ed Hochuli accidentally crushed the trachea of a defensive back who was standing a little too close by flexing his obviously steroid laden biceps. Honchuli then addressed the crowd through a register phone, "Attention Wal-Mart shoppers: Upon further security camera review, once the receiver hits the light post, his entire body can be seen molding into a circular shape around the post. He or it retains possession, but this transformation qualifies by rule as illegal alien participation. Number 87 is ejected from the game."
Horn then shed his human skin and teleported back to his home planet, much to the dismay of his fantasy football owners and Kenny Smith, his beloved life-partner ever since their soul joining ceremony on Nanu-Nanu.
"We always knew he was inhuman," said McAlister. "How else could he catch Brooks's passes?"