Area Man Deeply Offended by Thing He’s Still Reading

A local man today refused to put down a paper he was reading, even though he found the paper’s content to be a wildly offensive bastardization of what a morally-upright publication ought to be.

Practically seething from the article’s gratuitous use of words like “fuck,” “bitch-ass,” and “pussy,” the fucking bitch-ass pussy nonetheless continued reading, shaking his head in disgust at each additional offense.

Strangely, it was not the arguably inappropriate jab at cancer patients that set the man off, wherein the article’s author seemed to compare sufferers of the disease to a grapefruit, because “both get eaten from the inside.” The man reportedly has no qualms about cancer jokes, because no one he knows personally has succumbed to the illness.

An AIDS reference, however, was a bridge too far, sources report. The article at one point took an odd turn when it seemed to address the man directly, implored him to “read this next line closely,” then apparently suggested that he would do the world a service by contracting the disease and then violently spreading it to anyone else who shared his myopic, repressive worldview.

According to sources present at the time, the man seemed powerless to simply put the paper down, which experts agree would be the appropriate solution when confronted with something one does not enjoy reading.

The man at one point seemed ready to file a complaint with the papers’ editors upon seeing in print the word “niggardly,” until he consulted a dictionary and chilled the fuck out.

Fortunately for the author of the article, speech of the kind found in the piece is still protected by the First Amendment, which the man also fervently supports, except in cases that upset him personally.

At press time, reports indicate that the man had finally had enough, describing as “too much” the author’s senseless and inexplicable decision to end the article with the word “faggot.”

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