Ask the Awkward Kid in Your Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year

Dear Awkward Kid in My Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year,

Ever since my boyfriend’s cousin died two months ago, he hasn’t been the same. He used to be so sweet and caring, but now, he’s moody and withdrawn. He skips class, sleeps all day, and has started to mock me at the slightest provocation. I want to excuse his behavior due to his depression, but I’m feeling increasingly disrespected and belittled. Should I give him some more time and hope he comes around, or should I do what’s best for me and leave him?

-Miserable in Mojo

Dear Miserable,

Hey guys, mind if I come in? It’s totally fine if you don’t want me to though. Really. Just say the word and I’ll leave, I respect honesty like that. Oh I can? Cool, cool. Nice Xbox by the way. I had a friend who used to love Xbox. I mean, I never did, but my friend did. He and I don’t talk anymore really though because he saw me standing in his sister’s room watching her while she was asleep. Oh fuck. I don’t know why I just told you that. I promise it sounds weirder than it actually was. Look, just pretend none of that happened, okay? Okay. Thanks guys. So anyways, I was just wondering where you were growing to live next year. Shit, I mean where you were blowing to give next year. Goddamnit, let me just start over. Next year. Where are you living?

Dear Awkward Kid in My Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year,

Ever since I’ve been in college, I’ve felt like a complete idiot. In high school, I was on top of the world: I never studied, I wrote papers the night before they were due, and still managed to pull a 3.9 GPA. Here, however, I’ll be lucky if I end up with a ‘B’ average this semester, despite studying around the clock. It seems all my classmates get everything more quickly than I do. Am I doomed to a life of mediocrity, or am I just a small fish in a big pond?

-Intellectually Questioning

Dear I.Q.,

You already found a place? Okay. Well, listen, if you want another person to help cut down on rent or something, let me know. I can just squeeze in with someone else. Will you have your own bedroom, Jeff? ‘Cause I seriously will take up like no space at all. When I was younger, I used to lock myself in crates when I was pissed, so I’m perfectly fine as long as I’ve got a 3’x2’x4’ space in a corner for myself. And I’d gladly get rid of some of my stuff to save space. Like this sweater here: gone. Honestly I don’t even need to bring another bed, I could just sleep on a mat in the corner. Or the floor. Hell, we could even share a bed if you want. Ha, no, I’m just kidding Jeff, don’t worry. Calm down man. But seriously if you wanted to, I would. I’m an accommodating guy like that.

Dear Awkward Kid in My Hall Desperately Looking for a Place to Live Next Year,

Help settle a debate between a friend and me. She thinks you need to wait to text a guy at least two days after he takes you on a date in order to not seem too desperate. I, however, think men appreciate honesty and directness, so there’s nothing wrong with letting a guy know right afterwards that you had a great time and you’d like to see him again. Which one of us is right?

– Forthright Freshman

Dear Forthright,

Really? You already have too many people living there? Look, if you don’t want me moving in just say it. I mean Jesus, I thought we could be honest with each other. I guess you guys are just too cool for me, huh? Wait…you really just have too many people? Cool. Sorry if I jumped to conclusions. Unless you actually are just trying to avoid me, in which case fuck you. But I doubt that’s it. You all seem cool. Do you know anyone else looking for a place then? What about your cousin over in Bursley? Yo Todd, if your girlfriend and her friends still need one more person for their house, tell them to get at me. I’m pretty chill, living in a houseful of girls wouldn’t bother me. None of them? Okay. Maybe I’m being a little intense about this, and if I am, I’m sorry. I just don’t want to end up living with a fuckin’ weirdo, you know?

Originally published: November 2012

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