Before We Conclude This Mass, I’d Like to Give a Couple of ‘Shout-Outs’

By Father Peter Dalton, Amateur Rap Artist

By Father Peter Dalton, Amateur Rap Artist

Brothers and sisters, I’d like to give a few words of thanks to some very special people before we end our service today.

‘Ayo, shout out to my crew first off. We got Father Clarence from Notre Dame of Saints, Ol’ Dirty Seminarian from Saint Peter’s, and Reverend Run from Run D.M.C.

Second off, I want to say a big “What Up” to all y’all rich-ass mufuckas and bitches who done come together in the Lord’s name so e’erbody could grow in His spirit.

I mean, shit, y’all could’ve been anywhere in da world today, but y’all chose to be here with me. I love you Grosse Pointe! You guys were holdin’ me down! Yeah, you in the front row, with that funky-ass blazer – during the Our Father, you was rappin’ them lyrics like it was you up on stage. And you – middle-back, with the sweater dat looks like it came out of a Sears-Roebuck catalogue – I saw you bobbin’ yo head to dat beat during “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” Man y’all was rocking this shit! I tell you what, we got an after-party going on in the basement, and y’all better be there. We got some pancakes and coffee for y’all. Yeah, those three old-ass bitches who neva leave da church made ‘em, and we all know they can’t cook worth a damn, but they spent hours puttin’ those tables up, so fuck y’all! Shit’s gonna be off da hook!

Third off, I wanna give some props to our bishop, P-Dizzle, and our pope, Franky-JMB. Thank tha Lord they didn’t pick another one a’those old-ass honkies again.

And, of course, I’d be disrespectin’ if I didn’t give big ups to the big man: the Rhyme-Slayer of Sin, the Prince of Peace Signs, the Beatmaker of Life – Jesus. Y’already know he had an even better posthumous release than my boy Tupac! Do I even gotta mention that he be stunting like His Daddy? Kingdom of Heaven, where you at?

Yo, and to cap this thing off, I wanna give a big shout-out to my man Steven Worthing!

Because he is still in the hospital recovering from testicular cancer. Let us pray.

Originally published: March 2013

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