EAST QUAD – In an effort to support campus sustainability initiatives, the Residential Dining staff has introduced breast milk as a beverage option for the East Quad Dining Hall. The cafeteria’s large silver milk machine that previously contained only 2 percent, skim, and chocolate milk, now also dispenses the breast milk of free-range women who have been born and raised in Southeastern Michigan, and have been fed a strictly organic diet. Owing to its local, USDA-approved organic production and lack of preservatives or chemicals, the breast milk has received abundant praise from the East Quad community, RC students, environmentally-conscious Ann Arborites, animal rights activists who find the use of cow’s milk unethical, and all other types of pretentious “foodie” assholes.

“Breast milk is a healthy, local option, and we’re excited and honored to be the first dining hall on campus to have it available,” said East Quad cafeteria manager Gloria Thomas. “It’s all-natural and ethical – we don’t use any of that breast milk that comes from those industrial facilities where it’s all mass-produced. Our women have had total freedom to roam. They’re happy women, with happy milk.”

“Titty milk? Oh yeah. I’m all for it,” sophomore Bradley Kline enthusiastically stated.

Ann Arbor native and new mommy Sara Thornburg is one of East Quad’s most generous donors. “Each week, I bring a batch of freshly pumped milk down to campus. I’m really proud to be supporting such a sustainable movement – there are so many women producing milk, and there’s absolutely no cost. Nothing could be more natural,” she said. When asked if she had tasted her own milk, Thornburg replied that she, her partner Todd, and their newborn, Lulu, all drink her milk regularly. She says it is light and sweet-tasting, with a hint of vanilla in the aftertaste.

Residential College student Emma Wilson was initially skeptical, but after trying it out, she is now overjoyed with the breast milk, “I totally love it – I put it in my cereal, coffee, hot chocolate, everything. It weirded me out at first, but now, I’m just hoping my mom is open to the idea of providing me with some when I come home for Thanksgiving.”