CHANNEL 2 – Faced with debilitating budget cuts and dwindling viewership, the writers behind the television show C-SPAN have been forced to take drastic measures to ensure that the series remains on air.

“We’ve tried everything to boost the ratings,” said C-SPAN writer Jake Cohen. “Increasingly scandalous plotlines, a musical episode, and even guest stars. You see that one with the dude from New Girl?”

Indeed, last month’s episode of C-SPAN, in which the Subcommittee on Indian and Alaskan Native Affairs gave an oversight field hearing on Federal Laws and Policies Affecting Energy Prices in Rural Alaska and their Effects on Native Villages, was one of the most controversial episodes yet, with characters dealing with infidelity, unwanted pregnancy, alcohol and drug abuse, and of course, lots of sex.

Our only option, like any other dying show, is to start killing off characters

“I mean, who could forget that moment when bad boy Senator Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.) totally gets in a fight with heartthrob Representative Collin Peterson (D-Minn.) at Speaker of the House John Boehner’s party over who fathered Representative Zoe Lofgren’s (D-Calif.) baby?” Cohen asked.

Unfortunately, the episode only managed a Nielsen rating of 0.5, finishing 41st in its timeslot.

“Our only option, like any other dying show, is to start killing off characters,” Cohen said. There is no word yet on which government employee the writers would kill off first, but viewers have their theories. Herman Bass, 83, of C-SP(f)AN.com, an online forum for fans to discuss all things C-SPAN, shared his thoughts on the impending plot twist.

“It’s got to be Representative Jo Bonner (R-Ala.),” said Bass. “He has it coming after he stole amnesiac Senator Patrick J. Toomey’s (R-Penn.) girlfriend only to cheat on her with her twin sister. Also, I disagreed with Bonner’s position on tax reform.”