Can We Find Some More Attractive Squirrel-Feeders, Please?

By a squirrel

Look guys, I’m not complaining. Love the food. Love it. But is there any way you could recruit a couple of cute human chicks for the Squirrel-Feeding Club? I mean, have you seen the current crop of female squirrels I’m working with? Bunch of fatties.

Now, I’m not saying that the current Club roster isn’t great. That guy Charlie, with the pube beard? He’s a real gentleman. Such soft hands too! And I love the fact that despite your aching backs, you’re still stuffing your backpacks to the brim. That’s the kind of dedication that will get you places. Not to mention, the smell of your breath after eating the beef stroganoff at the cafeteria! Ah, it’s poetry…brings me back to the rotting tree-hole I grew up in.

I’m not sure how you keep finding members, either, but I’m sure glad you do. What I want to ask, though, is, have you ever thought about bringing in some chicks? I mean, your meetings must have ladies forming lines out the door! Why not bring some of that talent in?

Honestly, I’d eat rotten peanuts off a piece of shit. In fact, I did that twice last week. But that’s not the point. If I’m going to eat them out of the hands of a human, I’d prefer that those hands be connected to a slender body with a nice pair of tits.

It’s not easy spending all this time away from my squirrel wife and squirrel kids to gather human food for the long winter ahead. And half the time I’m gone, my wife forgets to take her diabetes meds. So, I’d prefer to at least have a nice piece of tail to look at while I’m out here. Even if she’s bundled up in a coat, that’s fine. I’ve got an imagination.

And look, I’m really not complaining. We’ve got a great thing going on here. Us squirrels get free reign over the campus, constantly stuffed with all the junk food we can eat. And you, well, I don’t actually know what you guys get out of this, come to think of it. But it must be pretty sweet, otherwise it would be a huge waste of time for you.

Originally Published: December 2012

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