Category: Campus

University Accepts Record Number of Highly Financially Qualified Applicants

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 2.18.23 PM

Citing an aggressive outreach campaign aimed at the wealthiest 10% of high school seniors across the globe, sources within the Office of Admissions confirmed Thursday that the University enjoyed a record-breaking uptick this year in the number of applicants with outstanding financial qualifications. “As Wolverines, we’ve always taken pride in

Giant Periodic Table In Chem 1800 Replaced With Info On Changing Major

Screen Shot 2015-02-14 at 11.52.39 PM

As a response to changing needs among undergraduates, the periodic tables lining the walls of lecture hall 1800 in the Chemistry Building have been taken down, and large, easily-accessible posters for Newnan Advising have been raised in their place. Explained Chemistry Building manager Theresa Dekker, “What these students really need

Report: Girl Who Hasn’t Responded to Your Text Just Really Busy

Sources confirmed last week that although that girl you really liked has not yet responded to your text asking her out, it’s only because she is very busy, and will reportedly get back to you at her earliest convenience. While the time stamp under the message in question currently reads,

‘No Phones In Class’ Says Big Huge Dummy

Citing the scarcity of class time and the potential distraction of mobile devices, sources confirmed last Wednesday that an AMCULT 350 class was requested to keep phones silenced and tucked away during instruction time—a request that was largely ignored because it was made by a big, dumb, stupid doofus. “He

Race & Ethnicity Requirement Really Broadening LSA Junior’s Horizons Of Cultural Appropriation

Explaining that her ability to thoughtlessly pilfer elements from other cultures has been “deeply enriched” by her enrollment in AAS 271: Intro to Afro-American Literature, sources close to 20-year-old Amy Meyer reported Thursday that the LSA junior’s horizons of cultural appropriation have been broadened considerably by her fulfillment of the

Cool Dads Laud Brillig Dry Bar As ‘Neat Hangout’ For Kids Who Can’t Handle Their Shit

Screen Shot 2015-02-14 at 11.41.46 PM

Since its inauguration in January of this year, Ann Arbor’s Brillig Dry Bar has garnered high praise from the cool dad community as a ‘neat’ spot to grab a pop on a Saturday night for kids who otherwise can’t seem to handle their shit. The semi-weekly pop-up bar, which serves exclusively alcohol-free drinks, is being hailed by the

Weird Student Reads ‘Michigan Daily’ Even Though Friend Not in It This Time

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 2.23.04 PM

In an act unsurprising to her friends and acquaintances, eccentric junior Heather Sievers was seen casually reading an issue of the Michigan Daily last Tuesday, despite not personally knowing anybody mentioned in any of the articles or features. “I spotted Heather reading the Daily in the UgLi and went over

Ambitious OSCR Rep Resolves ‘Career-Making’ Student Conflict

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 2.28.33 PM

Saying the victory was sure to launch her career in student conflict mediation to “soaring” new heights, sources confirmed Thursday that Office of Student Conflict Resolution (OSCR) representative Kayla Green, 29, successfully resolved a high-stakes, “undeniably” career-making student conflict. “Kayla really knocked this landmark conflict out of the park,” said

‘u up?’ Texts Man Abby Will Someday, Sadly, Marry

THE INTERSECTION OF TRUE LOVE AND FIVE SHOTS OF TEQUILA—Sophomore Abby Hamilton reportedly received a text message Tuesday, reading, “u up?” from the man whose proposal she will, unfortunately, accept in three years’ time. The text, sent at exactly 2:12 AM, was considered by many analysts as a rather unceremonious

Student With Zero Marketable Skills Lobbies for Abolition of LSA Language Requirement

Sources confirmed Thursday that Alex Faulkner, an LSA junior who has by all accounts failed to acquire a single marketable skill in his time at the University, was overheard advocating for the abolition of the college’s language requirement. Faulkner, who is reportedly unable to claim even a basic command of