Category: Campus
Three-Day Orientation Fosters Lifelong Facebook Friendship
After declaring themselves best friends during a whirlwind three day stint in Ann Arbor, incoming freshmen and orientation roommates Heather Caldwell and Caroline McCormack reportedly look forward to being best friends for all four years of their undergraduate careers, despite the fact that their friendship will exist only online. “I
2013 ‘Rotten Apple’ Winner Delivers Honorary ‘First Lecture’ on Content Relevant to Class Exam
Professor Ross Clark was awarded the 2013 Rotten Apple Award shortly after his HISTORY 263: People and Culture of Southeast Asia lecture on Tuesday, honoring his dedication to unpreparedness, disorganization, and teaching each lecture as if it were his first. This award was bestowed upon Professor Clark after a flood
Student Who Recently Turned 21 Suddenly Blessed With Expert Knowledge of Craft Beers
DEFINITELY NOT RICK’S – Despite celebrating his 21st birthday just last Wednesday, LSA junior Kai Sanderson has quickly become a self-proclaimed “beer virtuoso” after sampling a sundry assortment of lagers, IPAs, stouts, porters, stoutish porters, and, of course, hefeweizens. “In terms of my preference for alcoholic beverages, I’ve really matured
New School of Information Major First U-M Program to Convey Information
UM, WE’RE NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE GEOGRAPHY – Following the exciting news that the University’s School of Information will allow undergraduates to concentrate in Information starting in Fall 2013, sources close to the Board of Regents explained that the change was enacted to combat the sheer amount of ignorance
Muslim Brotherhood Earns Surprise Victory in CSG Election
THE MICHIGAN UNION – After a long, arduous appeals process, late last night the Central Student Judiciary declared the Muslim Brotherhood the surprise victor in this year’s Central Student Government elections. Although stalwart political parties forUM and youMICH received more votes in the polls, both were eventually disqualified for violations
North Quad Flooding Fails to Destroy Dennison Building: Campus Laments Enduring Eyesore
AN UNFORTUNATELY-STILL-EXTANT BUILDING – Much to the chagrin of students, faculty, and sighted people everywhere, last month’s flooding of the North Quad residence hall has failed to completely and utterly destroy the Dennison Building, the universally-loathed architectural disaster that continues to mock passersby with its enduring presence. “At first, when
Spanish 102 Students Forced to Translate Incredibly Disturbing Sentences: ‘Las Momias Comen Los Ninos,’ Reads Latest Homework
Sources confirm that students in Professor Todd Leonard’s Spanish 102 class are becoming increasingly disturbed by their homework assignments, which require them to translate sentences from Spanish to English and vice versa. While this is normally standard procedure for introductory-level Spanish courses, the coursework for Leonard’s class is reportedly “dark,”
Graduating Senior Accepts Lucrative Offer of Unemployment in Detroit Suburb
THE BOARDBEDROOM – After submitting countless job applications and weighing numerous competitive rejection offers, LSA senior Daniel Beamon finally accepted a position with 3900 Trout Creek Lane, an up-and-coming startup nestled in a quiet Rochester Hills subdivision, earlier this week. “I could’ve gone the Fortune 500 route, but I prefer
Fraternity Pledge Spends Last Week of Semester Frantically Creating Sober Memories
DELTA THETA BETA CHAPTER HOUSE – Upon realizing he would soon be responsible for recounting the events of his freshman year to his parents, Delta Theta Beta pledge Anthony Sullivan devised a plan to experience two semesters’ worth of family-appropriate memories in his last week on campus. Sullivan has routinely
Attention-Starved Sophomore Hopes You Think She Had One-Night Stand
Although LSA sophomore Amanda Morris regularly shows up to her morning classes wearing what is described as “a classic walk-of-shame outfit” – oversized men’s shirts, strappy stilettos, smudged makeup from the night before, and disheveled bedhead – multiple sources have confirmed that there is actually not that much going on
