Category: Campus

Brady Hoke Leaves Rotting Corpse of Shane Morris on Practice Field

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In what has been described as “gross misconduct” by the Athletic Department, the putrid, decaying body of recently deceased quarterback Shane Morris continued to take snaps at UM’s football practice last week. When interviewed about the matter, coach Brady Hoke said, “As the head coach, it’s not my job to

Area Asshole Wearing Costume Way Too Early

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In a fashion move that has baffled students all over campus, ROTC senior and overenthusiastic weirdo Conor Buckley decided to celebrate Halloween far too early this year, wearing his Army costume a whole week before the 31st of October. “I get that he’s excited to dress up and all, but

Student Studying in UgLi Narrowly Survives Violent Onslaught of Insights into Sarah’s Personal Life

Area student Sam Bennett reportedly stepped onto the fourth floor of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library last Wednesday to study for his STATS 250 midterm, but instead was subject to a seemingly unending assault of very personal information by fellow student Sarah Friar. Friar, who was stationed a few seats down

Area Man Wrapped in Diag Hammock ‘Just Asking’ to Get Stabbed

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Numerous individuals passing an area man relaxing Sunday afternoon in his cocoon hammock described the man as looking “totally stabbable.” The man reportedly mistook his spot between two trees on the Diag as the woods or some shit and was seriously this motherfucking close to getting stabbed. “I’m not saying

Hall ‘Open Door Policy’ Forces Chinese Exchange Student Out of Comfort Zone, Valuable Port Cities

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FAR EAST QUAD—A well-intentioned measure meant to provoke a sense of friendship and camaraderie among residents in East Quad’s Cooley House and 19th century imperialists turned tragic earlier this week after freshman Harry Xiang found himself enriched with friends and neighbors, but robbed of his formerly-unclaimed treaty ports of Shanghai,

Northwood Freshman To Become Asexual

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Since recently settling into his remote Northwood III apartment, Michigan freshman Kyle Sleighter has elected to become asexual, mainly because his “fucking to being fucked over ratio [has] completely flipped.” “I put posters on the bus stop signs for weekly Friday orgies and advertised free tongue-kisses outside my dorm room

Job Applicant Turned Down on Basis of Visible Tattoos, Visible Ugliness

According to the lead hiring representative at Miller Co., job applicant Theresa Webb was rejected for the position to which she applied due to her lack of a “professional appearance,” a consequence of her numerous visible tattoos and conspicuous visible ugliness. “Though Theresa showed many of the qualifications we seek

Michigan A Cappella Group Discovers Real Instruments, Stops Pretending to Be Instruments

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An important discovery on Tuesday may permanently change the way a cappella groups perform at the University of Michigan. The Awkward Fellas, the newest all-male a cappella group on campus, found out that they could replace all their vocal parts with newly discovered devices tentatively being called instruments. Musical director

Senior Excited to Get Job, Start Paying Off Loans From Skeeps

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While LSA senior Stan Long admits to feeling stressed about his student loans, he says it’s his debt to Skeeps has been keeping him up at night. “If I default on my student loans, that sucks, whatever,” explained Stan. “But if I can’t pay Skeeps back, I know the guys

Study Finds Human Sense of Hearing Most Acute While Masturbating

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A recent study from Tufts University has shown that the human sense of hearing is most sensitive to very small sounds while the subject is masturbating. Jaylene Mackintyre, one of the co- authors of the study, said, “normally an average person can only hear down to about 0 decibels, but