Category: Campus

Senior Weighing Career Options As If She Won’t Soon Be Struck by Tree, Face Lifelong Paralysis

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Engineering senior Desiree Parks, who is anticipated to graduate in May 2015, is reportedly busy looking into future employment options, completely oblivious to the fact that in only seven short months, she will be hit in the head by a massive falling tree branch and will thus be unable to

Michigan Fans Long for Time When Cover-Up of Sex Crime Was Football Program’s Only Problem

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In wake of the disappointing football season, Michigan football fans reportedly wished for a return to a “better and simpler time,” namely when the team was decent enough that fans’ only concern was a covered-up rape charge. Engineering senior and self- professed diehard fan Ben Snider told reporters, “Man, I

Sustainable Cannibal Only Eats Vegans

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In a move that has received advanced praise from environmental activists, local cannibal James Lewis recently decided that he would choose to eat only sustainably fed, humanely raised, vegan humans. “I became a cannibal because the horrors of the meat industry were too much for me to stomach. But after

Entire Campus Thinks It Has Shot With That Cute Girl Who Works At Bert’s

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After a long night of studying for midterms in the UgLi, every single person on campus was reportedly convinced that they “definitely have a shot” with that cute girl who works at Bert’s. Sources confirmed that the girl, who serves coffee to “literally thousands” of students every weeknight, is now

Woman Leaving Wax Loft Acting Like She Wasn’t Just at Wax Loft

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According to witnesses on South University Avenue last Wednesday morning, a woman exited the Wax Loft at approximately 11 a.m. Upon closing the door clearly labeled with an advertisement for full body waxing, the woman looked to her right and her left, faced downward, and quickly waddled down the sidewalk.

High Freshman Not Sure If Paranoid or Actually Awakened Ancient Evil Biding Time in East Quad

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East Quad ROOM 666—Following one too many rips from his roommate’s bong last Wednesday, freshman Danny Dishman reported feelings of paranoia in East Quad Room 666. “At first it was just the regular stuff, you know? Like I had no idea what to do with my hands. But by the

Student Acting Like Chem Frat Counts as Actual Frat

Sources report that LSA junior Rory Gilhard has continuously been seen talking, tweeting, and bragging about Alpha Chi Sigma, the University of Michigan’s professional chemistry fraternity, as if it’s not just some goddamn nerd club. “Oh man, I still can’t believe I got in,” Gilhard said. “Of course I’m just

Roommate Genuinely Puzzled Over Whether It Possible to Do Dishes Sometime


With an expression of genuine bewilderment and confusion, area man Matthew Kerns’ roommate, Joshua Unger, wondered aloud this week whether it was possible—given the laws of physics, chemistry, and human biology—to do the dishes sometime soon. Unger, who studies mechanical engineering, reports that he has always been interested in testing

Anecdotes from Alumnus Parent Really Contribute to Campus Tour

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Noting the frequent fuzzy and futile recounts of his time spent at the University of Michigan, fellow parents and prospective students on a recent tour of Central Campus agreed that Alumnus Brian Fischer’s antiquated knowledge of campus happenings was a welcomed addition to their on-campus experience. Throughout the half-hour, .8-mile

Worldly Patron Enjoys Fruitful Late-Night Exchange In Spanish With Pancheros Staff


TOO CLOSE TO CANTINA—LSA sophomore and regular Pancheros patron Evan Lowell spoke proudly Saturday night about what he calls a “real effort” to reach out on a cultural basis to the late shift burrito wrapper at Pancheros. “I see this one guy Chuy around here all the time, and I