Category: Campus

Sophomore Stops Mid-Workout to Contemplate Own Mortality

Pretending that his shoulders were simply sore from multiple repetitions on the lat-pulldown machine, UM sophomore Kyree Holmes took a brief respite from his shoulders and pecs day workout once he realized he would die one day. “I don’t know, dude, I just suddenly thought like, ‘Why am I here?

Facebook Friends Thrilled to Be Invited to Pizza House Fundraiser

Sources report that Facebook friends of LSA sophomore Jamie Redmond were delighted upon receiving an invitation to a Pizza House fundraiser for her southeast Asian fusion dance team, Michigan Dazzle. LSA junior Kerry Vogel was one of the first to accept Redmond’s invitation. “I haven’t really talked to Jamie since

Wendy’s Must be Using New Kind of Plastic in Their Straws, Reports Man Who Notices That Sort of Thing

According to Tampa, Florida resident Ron Davis, who is the type of person that tends to notice insignificant things like this, the local Wendy’s restaurant has begun using a new kind of plastic in their straws. The red stripe is definitely narrower than before,” said Davis, a man who devotes

Student Mistakenly Throws Himself in Front of TheRide in Order to Have Tuition Paid

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In a failed effort to achieve free tuition amidst mounting student debt, LSA sophomore Jeremy Levine shattered both his legal argument against the University and his pelvis by jumping in front of TheRide. “Ever since I heard the rumor about getting free tuition after getting hit by a University of

Spotify Knows How Jamie Is Really Taking Her Breakup

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YOUR FACEBOOK NEWSFEED—Friends of Jamie Sweetley believed that she was taking her separation from longtime boyfriend Henry Barton pretty well, until Tuesday when Facebook published Jamie’s recent Spotify sessions. “I was shocked,” says Sweetley’s best friend, Sandra Hendry. “I thought she was doing so well. She was practicing yoga three

Report: Time Flies When You’re an LSA Senior Who Doesn’t Have Their Shit Together

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According to a recent study conducted at the ‘U,’ seniors graduating in May no longer have time to “figure it out,” find a job, or avoid the crippling depression characteristic of individuals with a useless degree and no purpose. After days of fundraising and preparation, scientists were able to determine

Students’ Concern Over No Tray Policy Outweighs University’s Racial Tensions

Despite being the focus of a New York Times cover story and the center of minority protests demanding equal representation, the University of Michigan student body has remained most concerned with the cafeterias’ no tray policy. This environmentally friendly move has reportedly garnered even more student action than the Being

Obituary: Girl Frozen to Death Outside Skeeps

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Cecilia Murphy, 19, of Sigma Kappa departed this life on the evening of March 17, 2014 after a brave battle with cold temperatures. She died of complications related to waiting in line outside of Skeeps, as she was tragically under the impression that alcohol blankets were literal barriers capable of

Postmodern Scholar Convinced that Dildo Represents Phallus

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Megan Adams, an LSA junior majoring in Comparative Literature, is nearly positive that a dildo being sold at the Safe Sex Store is representative of a phallus. “Ever since I took a Gender Studies class last semester my eyes have really been opened to the phallic symbols that permeate our

Last Person to Lecture Debates Whether to Go Into Middle of Long Row or Just Kill Himself

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Upon entering his Econ 111 lecture Thursday morning, late arrival Chris Young was faced with the difficult choice of whether to squeeze by eight classmates in order to take the last available seat in the middle of an aisle, or go to the bathroom and kill himself. “When I woke