Category: Campus

Rising Senior Declares that Incoming Class of 2018 Doesn’t Know Shit About Shit

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According to LSA senior Charlie Lynn, who has been a student at the University of Michigan for the past three years, the incoming University freshmen “literally know nothing about anything.” Compared to Lynn, who has amassed over ninety-five credits worth of knowledge at the University, the incoming Class of 2018

‘21 to Drink’ Sign at Party Only Thing Standing Between LSA Junior and Felony Charges of Providing Minors With Alcohol

Friends of LSA Junior Mott Riley, who hosted his “Mid-Lent Banger” last Saturday, breathed a collective sigh of relief after realizing that Riley would be spared from the legal consequences that follow providing alcohol to minors, thanks to well-placed signs throughout his house that declared “No booze unless you are

Coked-Up Central Student Government Party Promises to Do All the Things Always Forever

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The michigAWESOME party, recently elected to the Central Student Government with a campaign grounded in “student-focused, worldfocused, risky, safe, unified, diverse, traditional, innovative, plentiful, healthful, youthful, and exhilarating leadership,” announced Saturday night that they are “totally fucking stoked” to represent the student body and “bend campus issues right over and

Sorority Girls Disappointed After House Puppy Becomes House Dog

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According to sources within the house, the sisters of Michigan’s Delta Tau Sigma sorority have become increasingly distressed over the past few months as they watched their cute house puppy Sprinkles make the transformation into a fully-grown, rancid, large-shit-taking house dog. When Sarah Sand and the other girls of DeltaTau Sigma

General Motors CEO, Commencement Speaker Barra Announces Recall of Graduating Seniors

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Just weeks before she is scheduled to deliver the commencement address for the University of Michigan’s graduating class of 2014, General Motors CEO Mary Barra announced a mandatory recall on all 6,137 graduating seniors due to critical flaws rendering them completely defective in the job market. “It brings me no

Mitch McGary Still Deciding Between Millions of Dollars or Being Further Exploited

A few days following the announcement that both Nik Stauskas and Glenn Robinson III will enter the 2014 NBA draft, the sophomore power forward Mitch McGary is still rumored to be on the fence regarding the same decision. His current options alternate between making more sweet, sweet cash than he’s

Mary Sue Coleman To Deliver Commencement Speech Celebrating University’s “OK-ness”

According to a recently released transcript of the speech to be delivered by exiting president Mary Sue Coleman at Spring Commencement, Coleman plans to celebrate and praise the time she spent with the University, as much as one can about a University brimming with mediocrity. Mary Sue Coleman has achieved

Student Starting Unpaid Internship That Will Prepare Him for Career in Unpaid Debt

AN INCREASINGLY DIM FUTURE—With graduation fast approaching, LSA senior Jeremy Adams looks forward to his unpaid internship with his uncle’s law firm in Chicago. Adams claims that it will be “a valuable experience that should set [him] up well” although, according to sources, the job will do nothing to help

Freshman Hopes to Attract Mate by Displaying Impressive Collection of Craft Brewery Stickers on Laptop

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SECOND FLOOR OF THE UGLI—In an effort to attract the “right kind of men”, Emma Horowicz unveiled a newly decorated laptop case featuring local brewing companies on the second floor of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library late Sunday night. Witnesses report that the freshman laid out her textbooks and laptop before

Student Desperate to Sublease Apartment for Summer Completely Willing to Overlook Any Prospective Subletter’s Total Insanity

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Sources report that Engineering sophomore Lindsay Harper, who is currently looking for someone to sublet one of the bedrooms in her three-bedroom apartment while she returns home to Maryland for the summer, is more than willing to turn a blind eye to any potential subletter’s mental instaability, addiction issues, violent