Category: Campus

‘This is Where They’ll Say It All Began,’ Thinks Freshman in Chem 130

THE PATH TO SUCCESS—During his professor’s rushed, twenty-minute overview of the Chemistry 130 syllabus and attendance procedures, freshman Ben Brady was reported to have been consistently taking notes, nodding vigorously, and aiming to make eye contact with his pre-assigned GSI. Upon dismissal, Brady closed his notebook, thanked the professor, and

From the Time Warp: Extinction of Squirrels on Campus Leaves Incredibly Boring People with Nothing to Talk About

Sources confirmed that the last squirrel on the University of Michigan’s campus died today, taking with it a number of hilarious jokes and topics of conversation, according to incredibly boring people. “When I heard the news, I was devastated,” said mind-numbingly dull campus tour guide Michelle Turner. “How else am

Sophomore Girls Feel Less Welcome at This Year’s Welcome Week

Across campus, female students of sophomore standing have reported a disturbing downward trend in hospitality when comparing this year’s Welcome Week to last year’s. Said LSA student Liana Janes, “All I know is that when I was a freshman, I was regularly invited upstairs to take shots of the ‘expensive

Former Study Abroad Student Disgusted With Boorish Peers

ON AN ISLAND OF IGNORANCE— Upon returning to campus from her semester abroad in Paris, France, Angela Hunington said she was both “shocked” and “disheartened” by the limited worldly experience of her friends, classmates, and suitors. The newly enlightened student’s academic advisor reported that Hunington dropped her English 340 class

End of Summer Sublease Not First Time Brittany Has Kicked Creepy Guy Out of Bedroom, Certainly Not Last

WHEREVER BRITTANY LIVES— In a familiar sight to her housemates, Nursing junior Brittany McCarron had to force a creepy guy out of her apartment when she arrived back to Ann Arbor for the fall, Brittany’s friends confirmed last week. “Unfortunately, seeing Brittany pester some weirdo to get out of her

Michigan Daily Gets Final Say on Summer Blockbusters

HOLLYWOOD, MI—With the summer movie season over, Hollywood’s major studios have begun to reflect on the hits and misses from the busy blockbuster season, a task that would never be complete without the final say from Ann Arbor’s own The Michigan Daily. Said Warner Brothers’ CEO and Chairman Kevin Tsujihara,

Sophomore’s Standards for Attraction Lowered for Only Male Professor

Noting his breadth of knowledge in the field and the fact that he is the only stable adult male with whom she interacts on a regular basis, sophomore Molly Minar admitted that despite her new linguistics professor’s total lack of traditional good looks, she finds him, “kinda hot actually.” Despite

Campus Juniors Getting Head Start on This Semester’s Nervous Breakdown

With the fall semester still in its opening weeks, a number of school-savvy upperclassmen are already making preparations for this semester’s stress-induced total loss of control, whose arrival in the coming months is reportedly all but inevitable. From overburdened pre-meds to under- skilled pre-laws, many of these proactive, emotionally volatile

‘Ice Piston Challenge’ Takes Turn for Worse at Hydrodynamics Lab

Ice Piston

What began as one laboratory assistant’s quirky take on the recent viral activism phenomenon ended in tragedy this Tuesday when Jonathan Walker, ’17, was blasted by the facility’s supercooled fluid cannons at an instantaneous pressure over 80 PSI. Te stunt, which was intended to raise awareness for the neurodegenerative disease

U-M Ranks #1 in Student to Student Organization Ratio

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Inching out top-spot contenders UCLA and University of Wisconsin-Madison, the University of Michigan now boasts the nation’s smallest ratio of actual students to registered student organizations. According to US News & World Report, the University now maintains an average of only 3 students for every one of its many school-certified