Category: Campus

Obama to Enhance College Affordability via Expansion of Pell Grants, Purchase of Two Cokes

In his recent address to the nation, President Obama announced his intent to make college more affordable via a three-part plan that increases funding for the Federal Pell Grant Program, ties financial aid to a college’s value, and cuts tuition in half via the purchase of two Coke cans at

Living Room Coffee Table Nowhere Near As Messy As It Could Be, Claims Laid-Back Housemate

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SOMEWHERE ON REENWOOD—Consensus slob and excuse-making housemate Taylor Socha asserted early last week that, despite an apparent mess of old food and wrappers, the coffee table in question was in no way suffering from serious overcrowding. “It’s like the coffee table is an extension of his room,” said fellow housemate

University Signs Slavic Languages Professor to Five Year, $52 Million Contract

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In what will go down as an historic signing, the University of Michigan’s College of Literature, Science and the Arts hired Professor Andrej Bulgakov to a five year, $52 million contract Friday to become the head of the Slavic Languages and Literatures Department. The landmark signing comes after a tumultuous

Weekend Fraternity Bender Causes $50,000 in Damages to Winter Pledges’ Trust Funds

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Gaylord, MI—Sources confirmed Wednesday that a weekend of “utter debauchery” involving a University fraternity has led to more than $50,000 in damages to the entire third floor of the Treetops Resort in northern Michigan, as well as the trust funds of the winter ’15 pledge class. “On behalf of Sigma

Study Shows Red Wine May Improve Health of Friendships

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According to recent studies conducted by the FDA, red wine has been proven to increase the longevity of the average friendship, when consumed in copious amounts. The study, conducted in living rooms across the nation, found that for women ages 18-26, friendship pairs who consumed a minimum of two bottles

Freshman Unsure Whether Stats 250 Super Easy, or He Greatest Statistician of All Time

LSA freshman Ryan Sterling, now considering majoring in Statistics, said he never thought he’d do very well in Stats 250, but realized he had a talent after receiving an “A” grade on his first test of the course, despite a substantial lack of effort or preparation. “I always thought I

Roommate Luxuriating in Total, Unmitigated Control of Thermostat While You’re Gone For Weekend

Researchers at the University of Iowa’s Institute for the Study of Human Co-occupancy announced Monday that the moment you left for the weekend, your roommate likely kicked up his heels, slipped on his drop-seat pajamas and proceeded to “positively revel” in a full forty-eight hours of absolute, undivided sovereignty over

Study: Strong Correlation Between Asking Questions in Lecture, Not Receiving Enough Attention in Childhood

According to a study conducted by the University of Michigan Department of Psychology, students who frequently interrupt entire lecture halls to ask frivolous or irrelevant questions are much more likely to have been emotionally neglected by their parents as children. Dr. Maria Hernandez, head of the study, gaining an understanding

Professor Naively Assumes Students Have Friend in Class to Study With

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Seemingly oblivious to the looks of nervousness and reluctance on the faces of the lonely, reclusive co-eds in front of him, Earth Science Professor Eric Rama stated Tuesday that it was permissible, and in-fact encouraged, for students to work together on assignments, thereby naively assuming his students had or wanted

Experts Recommend Wearing Mittens to Protect Hands From Exposure to Flyers

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THE DIAG—As winter approaches, local meteorologists have begun to issue warnings about the importance of dressing appropriately for the season. Said Ann Arbor meteorologist Terence Warner, “In January, we can expect to see severe temperature drops, as well as a dramatic rise in start-of-semester showcases and winter concerts. The absolute