Category: Campus

Theta Psi Brother Brad Staunch, Uninformed Supporter of Keystone XL Pipeline

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According to sources close to the situation, Theta Psi brother Brad Doughty has become an outspoken supporter of the Keystone Pipeline expansion. “I’ll always stand up for what I believe in,” stated Doughty. “And I believe in every American’s right to easily access Keystone beer.” Doughty was actively voicing his

Hoke Begins Long Walk Back to San Diego State


Following his firing on December second, former Michigan Head Football Coach Brady Hoke has reportedly started walking back to San Diego State University, where he held his previous job. This three thousand mile trek comes nearly four years after Hoke said he would “walk to Michigan” to secure the head

Student Puzzled By Roommate’s Bizarre Christmas Decorations

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LEWIS HOUSE, BURSLEY—Area freshman Michael Campbell was reportedly taken aback by the bizarre decorations brought in by his roommate, Stephen Weissburg last week. Campbell allegedly adorned their room with colored lights, stockings and a miniature tree, but was frustrated when Weissburg only contributed “some blue Christmas lights and this weird

Great Books Lecture Covers Okay Book

Thursday morning marked the end of the semester’s twentieth Great Books lecture, which was reportedly spent discussing an “unexciting” monologue in the Iliad. The text, which has been noted for violating readers’ expectations of its quality, has been described by many students in Great Books as “alright, but not fantastic

Archaeology Major Excavates Laundry Pile for Clean Underwear

Junior archaeology major Jessica Gonzalez recently began her first comprehensive dig, sources confirm, attempting to salvage clean underwear from the ruins of her bedroom floor. Gonzalez has been researching the potential for finding clean underwear for “at least two or three days,” and is convinced that the cluttered floor is

$49 Million Dennison Renovation to Feature Design by Licensed Architect

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University regents authorized a plan this week to undertake an exhaustive $49 million overhaul of Central Campus’ Dennison Building. In a dramatic and unexpected move, regents announced that the process will be spearheaded, from start to finish, by a team of licensed, qualified architects, which is a first for the

Roommates Shake Things Up in South Quad With Unexpected Mid-Year Trundle

FOURTH FLOOR, HUNT HOUSE—In a move that left residents of South Quad “stunned,” roommates Joshua Hodges and Frank Eshelman completely reconsidered the design of their dorm room and trundled their beds last week. “We felt that South Quad was starting to let the dust settle a little bit,” Eshelman explained.

Graduating Sorority Girl Donates $2000 of Rush Omega Gear to Goodwill

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Senior Rebecca Marrell recently decided to donate her entire collection of sorority apparel to Goodwill after graduation. “It’s not that I don’t love my sorority or that I won’t miss it,” she said, “I do and I will. It’s just really tacky to wear letters when you graduate.” Marrell, who

Parka Engineered for Antarctic Expedition Now Facilitating Walk from Landmark to Starbucks

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ANNARBORTICA, MI–A century-long history of exploration above the Arctic Circle culminated early Thursday morning when a lone wanderer, LSA sophomore Sarah Schwartz, donned her triple-insulated, Gore-Tex equipped winter coat for a treacherous, death- defying morning coffee run in the middle of the Michigan winter. Clad in the result of decades

Senior Weighing Career Options As If She Won’t Soon Be Struck by Tree, Face Lifelong Paralysis

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Engineering senior Desiree Parks, who is anticipated to graduate in May 2015, is reportedly busy looking into future employment options, completely oblivious to the fact that in only seven short months, she will be hit in the head by a massive falling tree branch and will thus be unable to