Category: Campus

Campus Mourns Loss Of Dozens Of Half-Assed Intro Paragraphs To Fishbowl Power Outage

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The campus community was reportedly shocked by the loss of numerous poorly written outlines, hastily prepared PowerPoints and half-assed introductory paragraphs in an unexpected power outage in Mason Hall on Wednesday night. Though no official death toll has been released on the number of distractedly prepared files that were lost,

Less Popular Roommate Wondering What ‘We’re’ Doing Tonight

In a typical act of social ineptitude, LSA freshman and less popular roommate Carl Hunter perceived friend and roommate Jamie Preston what “we’re up to tonight.” Hunter, described by peers as “unique,” “kind of a downer,” and “always around somehow,” rarely presents plans of his own creation and prefers to

Screenwriting Major Expert At Crafting Tension With Roommate

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Sources close to SAC major Bryan Klein report that his extensive studies of film and scriptwriting have enabled him to become highly adept at crafting tension between himself and his roommate, LSA junior Jason Goldberg. “Oh man, Bryan really has that spark that everyone in the film business seems to

‘Into My Office, Young Man! Right Now!’ Yells Schlissel While Trying To Corral Class Clown

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During the 11:00–11:10 a.m. passing time last Tuesday, LSA junior and resident prankster Robert Hyland reportedly deployed five stink bombs into the Mason Hall girls’ bathroom, causing an uproar among students and faculty, most notably University president Mark Schlissel. Schlissel, who was passing by, flipping through a manila folder and

CSG To Boost Interest In Upcoming Elections By Fabricating Next Big Campus Controversy

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Amidst a trend of decreasing student participation the Central Student Government’s spring elections, sources confirmed Thursday that a number of CSG candidates are reportedly considering manufacturing an entirely artificial and extremely divisive campus controversy to polarize the student body and jump-start student involvement in the upcoming March 25th elections. “We’re

Law School Looking Like Great Option For Seniors With No Other Options

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As graduating seniors look to solidify their future plans, campus sources have reported that the prospect of law school seems to be “really gaining traction” among students who’ve failed to establish any clear career path, grown to detest the field of study they’ve chosen or realized they are entirely unprepared

‘If You Get Mugged Under The Engineering Arch, That Person Will One Day Be Your Murderer,’ Explains Campus Tour Guide

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While giving a tour of Central Campus to prospective undergrads, Ford senior Ronald Kip provided a run-down on many U of M myths, most notably that of the fabled West Hall arch. “Some people say it’s a University old wives’ tale, but take caution, newbies—if you’re underneath the West Hall

Archaeologists Uncover Proto-Yik Yak in Angell Hall Bathroom Stalls

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THIRD STALL ON THE LEFT— Paleontologists were shocked to discover what they are now calling “Proto-Yik-Yak” style writing in an Angell Hall bathroom stall early Tuesday. It is one of the earliest known attempts of anonymous writers making humorous observations for the enjoyment of others. “Since the recent popularity explosion

Student Taking Way Too Many Notes During Psych 111 Relationships Lecture

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Much to the secondhand embarrassment of his peers, freshman Evan Dermitt reportedly spent the entirety of Wednesday’s Intro to Psychology lecture on interpersonal relationships writing uncharacteristically detailed notes. Dermitt’s atypically high level of engagement drew the attention of Dermitt’s classmate Paul Chen, who emphasized that this phenomenon left him both

New Reality Cooking Competition Serves Up Fresh Take on Cooking With Your Roommate’s Food

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After the success of a number of reality cooking shows, the Food Network recently aired its new show “Cooking with Your Roommate’s Food,” starring Guy Fieri. With a selection of student guests and their irritated roommates, “Cooking with Your Roommate’s Food” is a high-stakes competition in which cooks must race