Category: National

First Grade Job Market Competitive As Ever For This Year’s Kindergarten Graduates

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A new comprehensive study out this week finds that the 2014 Kindergarten graduates will likely struggle to find a job on any first grade classroom job chart. “I’ve always dreamed of getting to take care of the classroom pet when I became a first grader,” said Hannah K. from Mrs.

AI Program More Charming than Programmer

According to sources, computer science senior Mark Mahan has accidentally created an artificial intelligence program with greater social skills than his own, as part of an assignment in his EECS 492 class. “Our assignment was just to write a program that chatted back and forth with a human, so I

Michigan Court Legalizes Gay Marijuana

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In a landmark case cheered by progressives and fans of judicial activism alike, a Michigan appeals court has ruled to legalize gay marijuana, making Michigan the first state in the Union to allow the use of homosexual cannabis. “The court has determined that there is no ethical or legal basis to deny gay marijuana smokers the

Local Football Star Takes Off Brainy Girl’s Glasses, Still Ugly

  ALL-AMERICAN HOMETOWN—After scoring the winning touchdown last Friday night, local football star Jason Turner ran up the bleachers and removed his biology tutor Alice Williams’ thick-framed glasses only to discover his potential love interest was still ugly without them. The discovery came as a shock. “Every popular depiction of

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Pretty Much Drowning in Tail These Days

Sources report that since the debut of the critically acclaimed series Cosmos and a string of high profile late night TV appearances, celebrity astronomer Neil DeGrasse Tyson is “plowing trim like nobody’s business these days.” Dr. DeGrasse Tyson, who holds degrees from Harvard and Columbia, has enjoyed minor stardom within the world of astrophysics since the 1990s. But

In Response To Declining Viewership, CNN To Reboot Highly-Rated War On Terror

Following the massively popular trend of remaking classic TV series and movies, CNN has announced plans to reboot the early 2000s ratings smash War On Terror. “Rebooting the popular shows of yesterday is big business right now,” CNN senior producer Susan Deforest said during the announcement’s press conference. “Look at 24, look at Heroes. This is what people want

Alfalfa County, Oklahoma Residents Protesting New Stoplight Law, But You Won’t Hear About That on the News, Will You?

According to sources in Alfalfa County, Oklahoma, local residents have begun to protest the new local stoplight law, but with the liberal media yapping on about Venezuela and Ukraine it’s not like you’re ever going to hear about it anyhow. While good citizens like Ralph DelSignore and Margaret Tillman are simply fed up with the $15 increase in fines

George Lopez Retires ‘Latino’ Gimmick, Returns With New 3 Minute Special

Famous stand-up comedian George Lopez announced last Tuesday that he is toning down his ‘Hispanic’ image for his anticipated new special airing on HBO. After 25 years of picking apart his Mexican family and culture, Lopez returns this Saturday with all new topics for a hilarious, eye-opening 3 minutes and 20 seconds. “There is so much more to me

Facebook Friends Thrilled to Be Invited to Pizza House Fundraiser

Sources report that Facebook friends of LSA sophomore Jamie Redmond were delighted upon receiving an invitation to a Pizza House fundraiser for her southeast Asian fusion dance team, Michigan Dazzle. LSA junior Kerry Vogel was one of the first to accept Redmond’s invitation. “I haven’t really talked to Jamie since

Wendy’s Must be Using New Kind of Plastic in Their Straws, Reports Man Who Notices That Sort of Thing

According to Tampa, Florida resident Ron Davis, who is the type of person that tends to notice insignificant things like this, the local Wendy’s restaurant has begun using a new kind of plastic in their straws. The red stripe is definitely narrower than before,” said Davis, a man who devotes