Category: National

Study Finds Men Whom Use ‘Whom’ Get Laid More Often Than Those Whom Don’t

A study released online last week confirmed that men whom use “whom” in their everyday vocabulary receive better responses socially and, in turn, get laid more often than those whom do not. The study, conducted with hundreds of people across the country, encouraged men to use “whom” in casual conversation

2015 Camry’s New Safety Features Not Preventing Gary From Driving Like Total Asshole

Gary

GARY’S SICK NEW WHIP—Despite years spent on the research and development of safety features for Gary Griffith’s new Toyota Camry, there is, apparently, still nothing stopping him from driving like a total douchebag. “Yeah brah isn’t my new Camry sick? I paid extra for those shiny chrome rims,” said Mr.

‘You Kinda Had to Be There on Five Tabs of Acid,’ Area Man Explains

Conceding that his anecdote had failed to elicit the response he’d hoped for, area man Sean Frohlich explained Thursday that it was probably “the kind of thing where you just had to be there” on a quintuple dose of acid to understand. “I’ll admit it,” Frohlich said. “I guess you

Homeless Can Collector Wins Trip To Ann Arbor Recycling Center After Finding Golden Bottle

Homeless

Local bottle collector and homeless man Marv Billingsly admitted he couldn’t believe his luck upon discovering an elusive golden bottle while rummaging through a stranger’s recyclables early Tuesday morning. The golden bottle promotion allows Billingsly and a guest of his choice to enter the famed waste disposal plant Recycle Ann

Terminally Ill Child Milking It Bit Too Much

Ill kid

Parents and students at Learning Tree Elementary are reportedly becoming frustrated with terminally ill cancer patient Jimmy Roberts, saying he’s been receiving extra attention due to his illness. Local parent Karen Richards said she has a boy in Jimmy’s class. Richards was supportive of Jimmy initially, but after the doctor

‘We’ll Stay In Touch’ Says Naive, Optimistic Fool

Last Monday, Ross senior and hopelessly optimistic fool Vince Walker told LSA junior Mary Scholl, a student he met at an internship information event, that they would “stay in touch.” “Mary and I shared quite a few interests and she seemed like a pretty cool person, so I thought, hey,

Singer Requires Verbal Commitment From All 10,000 Concert Attendees That They Are, In Fact, Ready To Rock

Ready to rock

Attendees of the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert last Wednesday appeared ready to rock, but many were nonetheless thankful to lead singer Ronnie Winter, who stopped the concert before every song to verify that each and every attendee was indeed on board with the rocking in question. “It’s important to check,”

New Sonogram Screens For Chromosomal Mutations, Number Of Likes Ultrasound Will Get On Instagram

Sonogram

On the heels of recent technological breakthroughs in the prenatal and genetic testing fields, researches are now able to approximate the number of likes a sonogram will get when it is eventually posted to Instagram. The new machine can reportedly predict the comparable popularity of a patient’s embryo to pictures

Area Woman Posts Most Ambiguous Facebook Status Yet

Noting the fact that it lacked even a hint of specificity or clues as to her current state of mind, area woman Jen Kean, 24, posted to her Facebook profile what is being hailed as her most ambiguous status yet. “Just getting back. Things are looking up, but it’s time

Democrats Still Trail GOP In Donations Made Via Travelers Checks Tucked Into Birthday Cards

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In response to Democrats’ recent success in campaign finance through social media , Republicans remained adamant that they still lead Democrats in traveler’s check donations delicately placed inside birthday cards. “We hope to find new ways to gather support from donors, whilst never forgetting our donors who, through checks, crisp