Category: National

Domino’s Pizza Unveils New Meat Lovers’ Salad

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Citing consumer interest in healthier options at dinnertime, Domino’s Pizza has unveiled a new “Meat Lovers’ Salad,” which will be available nationwide next month. “We wanted to make sure our customers could make healthy choices,” said Max Roeske, VP of Marketing at Domino’s. “Pizza is great, but sometimes you just

Gynecologist Diagnoses Area Man With Hypochondria

According to sources at the University of Michigan Health System’s Center for Gynecology, local man Terry McDaniel was diagnosed with a severe case of hypochondria last Monday, after an appointment with gynecologist Myra Ellis. “I have never given a diagnosis like this before, but McDaniel’s symptoms were obvious immediately upon

Single Bout of Physical Activity Sustains Area Man’s Self-Esteem for Months

PEAK OF SELF-WORTH—Although the act occurred over 2 months ago, a single session of physical exercise continues to buoy Salt Lake City, Utah man Charlie Devon’s self-esteem. Speaking at a local coffee shop, Devon said, “I know I probably shouldn’t have a third cinna- mon roll this week, but I

Town Barely Survives Months-long Onslaught of Festivals

CONFETTI-STREWN WASTELAND – According to recent on-the-ground reports from Portage, Wisconsin, the town’s summer festival season has ended and its residents have miraculously survived to tell the tale. This year, Portage endured an unprecedented nine festivals in addition to other public events, which proved tough for even the most hardened

Man With Dead Pet Just Raking In The Facebook Likes

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Following the death of his cat, Jerry, area man and attention whore Steven Rodriguez, has reportedly received over 120 “likes” on a Facebook post regarding the departed feline. “I’ll miss you, little guy,” reads the post, accompanied by a picture of the now-deceased Jerry playing with yarn. The transparent attempt

Local Baby Still Unsure if Father Has His Nose

Area two-month-old Aiden Parish remains uncertain as to the whereabouts of his nose after an extensive examination following playtime with his father, Jason Parish, last Friday. Te newborn began to suspect his father might have absconded with an integral part of his face after a lengthy game of “Got Your

Family Held Hostage as Dad Forces Entire Household to Watch All 28 Hours of DVD Special Features

A screening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey turned hostile Saturday afternoon when, upon the conclusion of the film, local father Jeff Kelley suggested that his family “check out a few of the deleted scenes.” “As soon as Jef said he wanted to watch the special features, I knew our

Unarmed White Teen Brutally Slapped on Wrist

GROSSE POINTE—An entire community was outraged on Sunday when unarmed white teenager Samson Walworth was caught smoking marijuana in his local high school parking lot and immediately given a slap on the wrist. “It was horrible. I looked into the officer’s eyes, and I could have sworn he was going

Animal Does Something Cool on Camera


Enthralling a nation desperate to be entertained, reports have confirmed that an animal has done something cool in front of a camera. The adorable, furry animal was spotted at approximately 9 a.m. last Tuesday, doing something atypical enough to garner the attention of a nearby human. Using a camera phone,

Homeless Man’s Dog Wondering When This Walk Is Going To End


According to sources within the dog community, Scrappy, the canine companion to local homeless man Ralph Johnson, has begun to wonder when, if ever, this walk is going to end. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my owner,” barked Scrappy of his human companion Ralph, “But this walk is going