Category: National

Michelle Obama Wears String of Amputated Fingers Around Neck as Warning to Nation’s Obese Youth

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Calling her “Let’s Move!” campaign an “outright futile strive” to end childhood obesity in the United States, First Lady Michelle Obama announced in a speech Tuesday she is adopting a new, more formidable strategy: wearing a string of amputated fingers formerly belonging to American diabetics around her neck. “For nearly

Grandma, Grandpa Agree: Should Have Just Split Entree at Romano’s Macaroni Grill

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While out for dinner last Thursday, local grandparents Richard and Helen Boulding were seen acting visibly bewildered by the size of their meals, which they ultimately agreed constituted twice as much food as they really needed. Richard and Helen, who were dining at their local Romano’s Macaroni Grill in celebration

Area Couple Passionately Conceives In Vitro Fetus

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THE LOCAL SPERM BANK— Despite their inability to have a child through conventional intercourse, newlyweds Joe and Lucy Evans’ in vitro conception was reportedly nonetheless magical. “Everything about it was perfect,” Evans said. “The romantic, muted lighting, Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ playing softly on the stereo, and a vast

Nation’s Poop-Shy Call for Noisier Bathrooms

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THE NEXT STALL OVER—Calling the level of ambient noise in the nation’s public restrooms “humiliatingly low,” thousands of poop-shy Americans have begun campaigning in pursuit of noisier restrooms, claiming this would allow them to finally void their bashful, highly self-conscious bowels in peace. Poop-shy individuals, who find it difficult or

Dr. Pepper Loses Medical License After Giving Millions of Patients Diabetes

Amid the largest and tastiest medical scandal in American beverage industry history, the American Medical Association has suspended the medical license of Dr. Herman Pepper, who is allegedly responsible for giving Type-II diabetes to millions of his patients. “Dr. Pepper’s alleged actions, if confirmed to be true, are morally reprehensible,

Obama Named Worst President Since Bush

President Barack Obama was named the worst Leader of the Free World following George W. Bush’s time in office in a recent double blind poll conducted by CNN last week. No other Presidents were nominated. While many voters supported some of Obama’s policies, they did not hesitate to judge the

Independent Space Agencies Vow to Establish Life, Poverty, Suffering on Mars by 2030

Elon Musk, billionaire and founder of SpaceX, has announced plans to institute civilization, with all its violence, pain, and ultimately meaningless yearning for higher purpose, on Mars by 2030. “It is our primary mission to explore the stars,” explained Musk, “and spread, through the vastness of the void of space,

Nation’s Sickos Add Finishing Touches to This Year’s Halloween Candy Poison

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With a quick spritz of hemlock and a generous dash of cyanide, representatives of the nation’s sickos proudly confirmed Monday that they’d just put the finishing touches on this year’s batch of Halloween candy poison. Since the nation’s mothers first dreamt up this sort of nightmare in the late seventies,

Roger Goodell Suspends ISIS for Three Games After Beheading Videos Surface

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NEW YORK—Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL will be suspending international terrorist group ISIS for three games, following the release of videos displaying the beheading of several kidnapped journalists. “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m just trying to get this right,” said Goodell in a press

Domino’s Pizza Unveils New Meat Lovers’ Salad

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Citing consumer interest in healthier options at dinnertime, Domino’s Pizza has unveiled a new “Meat Lovers’ Salad,” which will be available nationwide next month. “We wanted to make sure our customers could make healthy choices,” said Max Roeske, VP of Marketing at Domino’s. “Pizza is great, but sometimes you just