Category: National

Area Masochist Watches Entire YouTube Ad

Screen Shot 2014-12-10 at 6.27.07 AM

Lincoln, NE – Calling it a vital part of his web watching routine, area masochist Charlie Devita revealed to reporters Thursday that he thoroughly enjoys watching the entirety of each corporate-sponsored advertisement preceding the actually worthwhile YouTube content. “I have lots of hobbies some may consider strange, like putting my

Strained Conversation at Holiday Dinner Consists of Nothing But Possible Alternate Travel Routes

ALBANY, NY—Desperate not to let the conversation fall into a tense and unpleasant lull, family members gathered at the Hastings’ family holiday dinner last weekend spent virtually the entire afternoon discussing how everyone got there, various alternate routes they potentially could have taken, and how they would ultimately return home.

Mold in Shower No Match for Little Water Kicked in Its Direction

notstock

While the winter months “tend to bring out the worst” in Ann Arbor’s off-campus student housing, according to Linda Newman, University Housing director, many students are facing common cleaning problems in their homes. “Fortunately,” says Newman, “the trend among students currently is to combat these problems immediately and head on.”

Man With OCD Too Busy Organizing Severed Heads to Commit Murder Tonight

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 4.41.18 PM

Area serial killer Larry Talarico was unable to follow through with his plan to murder four women tonight due to a “compulsive need” to organize his refrigerator and the disembodied heads that fill the shelves. “I just don’t think I can bring myself to leave my apartment when my fridge

Nation Briefly Empowered by Thing It Saw on Internet

Nodding vigorously in solidarity, the nation’s citizens were momentarily and briefly empowered today by a thing they saw on the internet. Reportedly, the surging feeling of broadened social, political and personal horizons left an enduring impact on the nation’s entire collective consciousness for no less than several minutes. “It changed

Supporter of Same Sex Marriage Not So Keen On Same-Sex Hand-Holding

Explaining that the practice “just seems a little off,” area woman Doreen Jones admitted to reporters Wednesday that although she is a staunch supporter of marriage equality, she does not endorse same- sex public displays of affection. “You know, I believe in marriage equality. I really do. The right to

Local Killjoy Adds Books to Toys For Tots Box

Public school teacher and reported “total wet blanket” Ben Hutchinson made a stop on his way to work last Wednesday to anonymously donate two brand new books to the Toys for Tots collection box outside of his local post office, an act witnesses could only assume would soon ruin an

Woman Somehow Convinced Her Height Only Thing Standing Between Her, Career as Professional Model

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 4.29.47 PM

Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA senior Gretchen Bell reportedly believes that height is the only modelesque feature she lacks. With an apparent total disregard for her pudgy arms, awkwardly-shaped nose, and pasty complexion, Bell continues to insist that her shorter-than-average stature is the only thing standing between herself and her

Nation’s Masturbators Voice Support for Obama’s Position on Net Neutrality

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 2.18.50 PM

In what is a likely response to President Obama’s advocacy of Net Neutrality, polling this month has shown that the President’s approval ratings have increased dramatically amongst masturbators across the country. Pollsters explain that although this key demographic has been tough on the President in the past, most notably in

Area Man Still Pretending to Understand Lake-Effect Snow

CASUAL CONVERSATIONS EVERYWHERE—Sources confirmed Thursday that local man Dan Corona has been offering many confident but ultimately uninformed explanations for the area’s lake effect weather. “It’s simple. Water precipitates backwards into my butts, but it’s cold, so it freezes, and that’s why the snow goes upwards,” explained Corona just last