Category: National

Study: 47% of Americans Unable to Identify Their Congressman’s Killer

A recent poll released by the Annenberg Public Policy Center revealed that, when prompted, nearly 50% of U.S. citizens were unable to provide the identity of their congressman’s assassin. “The report is a startling reminder of the general populace’s apathy towards politics, as well as acts of revenge,” said Jodi

Family Expected Bit More From Grandfather’s Dying Wisdom

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In an underwhelming attempt to impart some kind of life lesson to his surviving relatives before passing away peacefully last Sunday evening, sources confirmed that area grandfather Harold Gargery’s words of dying wisdom fell “noticeably short” of expectations. The 87-year-old’s last words, which presented no mystery, splendor, or elevated understanding

NBC to Debut Much-Anticipated Talent Show ‘America’s Got Judges’

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Citing the concept’s exceptional performance in nationwide focus groups, NBC announced Tuesday that their newest talent show, “America’s Got Judges”––in which contestants will be judged on their ability to judge by a panel of judges––is scheduled for a much-anticipated primetime debut this fall. “Judging has always been in America’s DNA.

Grandma Sends Mysterious Card Containing Well Wishes, No Money

Reportedly left dumbfounded by the heartfelt, handwritten message from his grandmother that included nothing of monetary value, sophomore Caleb Hirsch found himself unable to discern on Wednesday his grandmother’s motivation for wishing him well without also furnishing her “favorite and only” grandson with a penny of spending money. “Don’t get

Kid Who Applied To One Internship At Last Minute Can’t Wait to Spend Summer in D.C.

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Public health sophomore Jared Dunham believed he struck gold last night when he stumbled across an online application for a D.C. based health policy think tank while surfing the Web. After taking fifteen minutes to write out a reportedly “incredible” application, he immediately started telling friends how excited he was

Self-Righteous Prick Still Following Through On New Year’s Resolution

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THE GYM—Although three long months have passed since area douchebag Steve Kowsky resolved to exercise more in 2015, according to sources, he is still going to the gym four to five times per week and letting everyone know about it. Kowsky had much to say to reporters. “New Year’s Resolutions

Fantasy of Buying Homeless Man Sandwich Enough to Suppress Area Man’s Guilt for Entire Month

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Area man Carl Hammond allowed himself a warm dose of self-congratulations after a walk past a homeless man Thursday night, triggering a daydream in which Hammond gave the man his first meal in days. Hammond reported that he passed homeless man Andrew Rickon without making eye contact, unsure of whether

White House Commemorates Obama Presidency With Historic Drone & Water Show on National Mall

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As Barack Obama’s Presidency nears its close, the new White House Special Events Task Force organized a Drone and Water Show at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in an effort to commemorate his tenure in office. “Since President Obama took the oath of office in 2009, almost 2,500 people have

Unemployed Dad Even Less Wanted at Home

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Recently laid off for a lack of demonstrated value to his department, former purchasing analyst Gerald Donahue has displayed even less value in his new role as stay-at-home-dad, sources within the home reported. “He used to be too busy to come to my baseball games or help me with my

Man Glad He Hasn’t Suffered Enough to Turn to God Yet

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Confirming that his life has been a relatively smooth, deity-free ride thus far, local family man Ted Bookman told reporters Friday that he is glad he has not suffered enough to turn to the Eternal One for his answers yet. Bookman, 29, has reportedly yet to encounter any life-altering, scientifically