Category: National

Nation’s Veterans Honored With, Exploited By Free Short Stack of Pancakes At Denny’s

A DILAPIDATED STRIP MALL NEAR YOU—In recognition of their service to the nation, and their marketability to those aged sixty-five and older, the family restaurant chain Denny’s is symbolically honoring and commercially exploiting veterans today by offering each one free short stack of pancakes. “With this limited-time Veterans’ Day offer,

Area Man Now Financially Stable, Physically Healthy Enough to Have Emotional Problems


JUST ANOTHER POTHOLE IN THE ROAD OF LIFE—Sacramento, California man Timothy Davies has found, now that his finances and physical health are in order, he is finally able to have emotional problems derived from personal, professional, and romantic relationships. “I was struggling to pay the rent on my apartment for

Star Athlete Lauded for Being Mediocre Human

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DALLAS – DeMarco Murray, Dallas Cowboys running back and emerging NFL superstar, is drawing raves on and off the field, acclaimed by fans as not only “a young man with a promising career” but also “not a total dick” and “a reasonably mediocre human being.” Murray was further praised by

Area Man Not Planning to Mention Great Start-Up Idea in Conversation, But Hey, If It Comes Up

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TOPEKA, KS–Area man Chad Booth announced this week that mentioning his great idea for a startup company during casual conversation with coworkers and acquaintances was literally the last thing on his mind, but if it came up organically, hey, who was he to deprive them of hearing about the future

Groundbreaking New Study on Question of Nature vs. Nurture Reveals It Little Bit of Both


In a groundbreaking study on the long- standing question of nature vs. nurture, a team of enterprising psychology undergraduates at the University of Michigan have determined that, as a matter of fact, “it is actually a little bit of both.” The study demonstrates conclusively that, when it comes to the

iPhone’s Increasingly Thin Profile Setting Unrealistic Standards for Today’s Phones

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The release of the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus was met with backlash from numerous eating disorder awareness groups that claim the thinner models set unrealistic standards for other industry phones. “It’s clear that the recent motto for phone products has been, ‘slimmer, slimmer, slimmer’,” says Emma Siegal,

Unmarried, Childless Aunt Planning to Keep Everyone Guessing About Sexuality

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THE KIDS TABLE, THANKSGIVING—In a recent survey taken by Cousin Bobby, most family members contend that Aunt Cheryl “definitely likes chicks,” while others maintain that she “may actually be straight, but probably not.” “Let’s look at the facts: she owns a Carhartt jacket, her profile picture is a river husky,

Nation’s 7th Grade Teachers Concede That 5-Paragraph Essay is Dying Medium


After decades of steady decline, the nation’s 7th grade teachers confessed Monday that the five-paragraph essay is a dying medium, predicting the “legacy format” will soon go the way of the stone tablet, becoming all but obsolete. With the rise of newer, progressive alternatives to the five-paragraph format, a growing

Study Finds Death Row Inmates Most Patient People


A new study conducted by Wake Forest University found that inmates waiting on death row are the most patient type of people, according to what is called the Ability to Wait Index. The inmates clocked in at a score of 98.3 on the 100-point scale. Lead researcher Dr. Nancy Lee

Nation’s Gangs Lauded for Teaching Valuable Team-Building Skills

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WASHINGTON – Across the nation, the nation’s gangs are rapidly gaining support from the general public for incorporating a more ‘team-oriented’ philosophy into their criminal activities, according to a report released by the Wall Street Journal. “Today’s gangs are really going out of their ways to get every member involved,”