Category: News in Brief
600 Million Indians Left Without Power in Wake of Hurricane Sandy
NEW JERSEY THEN NEW DELHI SOMEHOW — Hurricane Sandy, the monstrous “frankenstorm” that terrorized the East Coast last week killing scores, is responsible for rolling blackouts affecting nearly half of India’s population of 1.2 billion, say government officials. The outages started last Monday, as Hurricane Sandy was bearing down on
Mars Rover Constantly Distracted by Shiny Objects
MARS CITY, MARS — To the tune of $2.5 billion being senselessly thrown into an interplanetary trash can, NASA scientists have been furiously banging their heads against a wall all week as the Curiosity rover continues to be distracted by shiny metal objects never before encountered by mankind. “We were
Thousands of People Presumably Aware of Syria Crisis Mourn Death of Fucking Baby Panda
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Nearly two weeks after the death of the National Zoo’s baby panda, people who most likely know that their fellow human beings are being shot and tortured right now by the Syrian military continued their panda-related outpourings of grief. “What a cruel, cruel world,” said baby-panda fan
14,000 Unmutilated Bodies Discovered in Mexican City
NOGALES, VERACRUZ – Los federales and la policia were stunned to discover nearly 14,000 unmutilated bodies early Tuesday morning in this violence-ravaged Mexican town. Before daybreak, word spread that for the first time in several weeks officials failed to find any of the town’s 13,724 residents shot, stabbed, beheaded, or
Poli Sci Student Attempts to Pick Up Asian Minor, Gets Degree Instead
CAMPUS – Political Science major Jason Metti’s recent efforts to pick up an Asian minor culminated on Wednesday in his unfortunate and unintended acquisition of a minor in Asian Studies. Metti’s pursuit of an underaged Asian female began last week, when he noticed a sign posted outside the Newnan Advising
Masturbation Schedule Fits Perfectly with Roommate’s Class Schedule
SOUTH QUAD – Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA freshman Donnie O’Hare’s masturbation schedule has been crafted to line up seamlessly with roommate Nathan Sholtzsky’s fall semester slate of classes. “It really wasn’t that hard,” O’Hare said. “I just flipped open his laptop, checked his enrollment tabs on Wolverine Access, and
Triangle Extends Bids to 17 Girls in Order to Socially Interact with Females
CAMPUS – After their last party set a campus record with its 50:0 guy-to-girl ratio, Triangle Fraternity has been involved in intense negotiations with the Pan-Hellenic Council and Interfraternity Council regarding the possibility of accepting female members. The councils are expected to render a joint decision by late October. “Sure,
Area Woman Uses Yoga Pants Only for Yoga
ANN ARBOR – In a move that has disappointed warm-blooded ass-men nationwide, recent Hard Tail customer Hannah Gilbert reportedly plans to don her new yoga pants only when actually practicing yoga. “They’re super comfortable,” said Gilbert, an LSA sophomore. “But since I only have this pair, I’d rather only wear
Girl Forced to Hide Cosmo Before Finding Out If She’s Good-Girl Hot or Bad-Girl Hot
BURSLEY – Before she could finish tallying up her A’s, B’s and C’s, LSA sophomore Lisa Bernstein was forced to hastily stuff her dog-eared issue of Cosmopolitan magazine under her seat in the Bursley dining hall. After answering a series of questions with painfully predictable answer choices, such as “What
North Korea Successfully Launches Invisible Missile
FROM THE KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY – The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has successfully tested a Songun I invisible intercontinental ballistic missile, announced Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in a statement earlier today. The missile, which evaded detection by the American imperialists and the occupying government in Seoul, orbited the
