Category: Opinion

South Quad Dining Hall: There’s Nothing Like The Sensation Of Having 1,000 Young People Inside You At The Same Time.

By South Quad Dining Hall I know you’ve heard of me. And I bet you’re wondering how I do it. Everyone’s curious. You’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way it can be that good!” Well, let me tell you something. I am that good. I’m more than that good. So

‘Hoke’ Rhymes With ‘Joke.’ It Also Rhymes with ‘Choke.’ What Can We Do Here, Boys?

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By the Michigan Daily Sports Editor Okay, boys. So, the Michigan football team isn’t doing so hot right now. We’re losing games, the department’s embroiled in controversy, and the fans are really upset. They want a voice! This is really our time to shine. We need to get something killer

Quentin Tarantino: I Won’t Start Production on My Next Movie Until at Least Ten Women Send Me Pictures of Their Feet

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When the script for The Hateful Eight was leaked and I decided to shelve it out of spite, I realized two things. First, the public’s demand for my movies is so high that I can’t possibly let them down for petty reasons. Second, you guys will do anything to convince

Here Is How You Make My Grandma’s Famous Meatballs

By: Ryan, Who Doesn’t Understand This Is a Satirical Newspaper The first step to making my Grandma Florence’s famous meatballs is to find a nicely marbled ground chuck. Make sure it’s ground chuck, and not ground beef. There’s a difference and Grandma Florence will be rolling over in her grave if

Nine Lessons You’ll Learn the Hard Way in Bio 171

By The Syllabus 1. Office hours will be held Wednesday and Friday, 3-5pm. If none of those times work for you, email me and we can set up an appointment. 2. iClicker quizzes begin next week. Together, these are worth 10% of your final grade so keep that in mind. 3. Due to the large

To that Young Man Who Was Reading ‘The Every Three Weekly’ in West Quad that One Time

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By: Peter DeJonge Hey, bud. I’m not sure who you are, where you’re from, or what you do, but I want you to know one thing; I saw you that one time you were reading The Every Three Weekly in the West Quad Cafeteria a couple months ago. And you

So, You Thought You Were Out of My Grip, Eh?


By: Winter Oh… hello there. I couldn’t see you come in through all this snow. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me after April started. I had you all convinced with the warm weather, but it was nothing more than a clever ruse. That’s right baby, I’m

Does the Word ‘Twerk’ Even Mean Anything Anymore?

Abby Helmson

By: Abby Helmson, LSA Junior Don’t get me wrong, I love it when we add new words to the common vernacular. I’m thrilled to hear “hella” and “swag” take their rightful place in everyday conversation. I welcome the use of hashtags for emphasis, even in professional settings. But lately, I’ve

Hey, Remember Me? By: The Chore Wheel You and Your Roommates Made During the First Week of School

  Hey, guys. It’s been a while, to say the least. And I must admit, I’m a little bit hurt at your wanton neglect. I was so lovingly crafted when you first moved in. You decorated me with glitter, laminated me, hell—you even gave me a functional spinner. I was supposed to usher in a new

Do You Hear That Rattling? By: Dad, on the Annual Family Road Trip

Hmm, that’s odd. Hey, does anyone else hear that rattling sound? Tommy, is that you horsing around back there? Knock it off, it’s dangerous to distract the driver. Wait, it’s not you? Huh. Strange. Do you think it could be your sister’s computer knocking up against something? It’s gotta be an easy fix, I mean it just started.