Category: Opinion
Reinventing Yourself Point-Counterpoint
POINT: Reinventing Yourself in the Movie Industry Isn’t That Hard Who would have guessed that the star of Gigli would win an Oscar after that debacle, am I right? But really though, I just hope my story or redemption is enough to propel struggling actors and actresses – I’m looking
WANTED: Quiet, Considerate Resident to Sublet My Vagina, by Kelly
My previous tenant is moving to Arizona so I’m looking to rent out my vagina from August to August (2013-2014), but specific dates are negotiable. It is barely used, spacious, comfortable, and has a great view. In the summer it can get a bit muggy, but this is easily fixable
Just Wanted to Remind You That Our HoneyBaked Goodness Survived the Recession
Whew! That was some roller-coaster ride, huh? The economy has been so unstable these past few years; it was almost tough for a pork-based specialty store to survive. But our loyal clientele and sweet, succulent hams, aided by our country’s fascination with ham-based holidays, really helped us pull through. I
Can We Please Focus on Something Other Than My Smoking Hot Bombshell of a Niece, Kate Upton?
I love serving our great nation as much as the next guy. But, as a lifelong civil servant with a decorated history, I am really growing tired of the fact that so much more attention is paid to my smoking, drop-dead-gorgeous niece, Kate, than to the important issues affecting our
Through Learning Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly, a Student Will Begin to Produce Eventually Much Clearer Prose, as Compared to That of a Student Who Has Not Learned Not to Split His or Her Infinitives Haphazardly
Over the course of the past 20 years, this author has become increasingly concerned by the fact that the common student has failed to master sufficiently one of the most basic English grammatical rules: not to split infinitives in his or her sentences. This development has deeply troubled this observer,
Before We Conclude This Mass, I’d Like to Give a Couple of ‘Shout-Outs’
Brothers and sisters, I’d like to give a few words of thanks to some very special people before we end our service today. ‘Ayo, shout out to my crew first off. We got Father Clarence from Notre Dame of Saints, Ol’ Dirty Seminarian from Saint Peter’s, and Reverend Run from
I’m Not So Sure About This ‘Michigan’ Place
So let me get this straight, Pat: last night, I flew 500 miles out of Newark, cancelled an alpha-hydroxy peel booked months in advance, and skipped what was arguably one of the most important PTA meetings of the year just to visit a school that won’t even hire a full-grown
I Told You I Wasn’t Guilty of Extortion Related to the Eastside Sewer-Repair Contract
Let me just start by saying that I know I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to claim that I am. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of racketeering, bribery, wire fraud, tax fraud, mail fraud, extortion, attempted extortion, conspiracy, and attempted conspiracy. Yes, it’s true: I’ve committed extortion related
I May Be a Sex Addict, but I Still Get More Pussy Than You
Hello everybody. My name is Mark, and I’m a sex addict. For the past eight years, I’ve struggled with the demons of being addicted to sexual intercourse. I’ve lived a life of meaningless, shallow sex and fleeting relationships. And I’ve gotten laid soooooo many more times that you all have.
For the Love of God, Just Kill Me
Hey, you there, with the muffin and the MacBook. Yes, you. I need you to do something for me without asking any questions. I need you to kill me. Why, you ask? Let me tell you a little story: When I rolled off the assembly line in South Korea five
