Category: Opinion

You Can’t Make A Country Boy Outta A City Slicker. But Does The Converse Hold?

By Mathematics  PH.D. Candidate R. Boone Cunningham When I was just a boy, my ma always said, “You can’t make a country boy outta a city slicker.” Daggumit if she ain’t had it right. I done seen a great many things in this lifetime, and I ain’t never seen a

Pride is a Sin. But Did I Mention I’m the One True Son of God?

By Jesus Christ Brothers and sisters, as the only true son of the Almighty Creator, I urge you to not forget the most serious of the seven deadly sins: pride. If you’re feeling prideful, I urge you to remember how I lived as a humble, b u r l a

I Cook for Michigan Dining. But That Doesn’t Mean My Artistic Expression Has to Be Stifled.

By The East Quad Line Cook Everyone’s got dreams, kid. That’s why you’re here studying—you want to feed those dreams so they can grow up big and strong. That seafood crepe with wild rice with a balsamic reduction drizzle that you waited in line wearing slippers to receive? That’s got

Why Delivering This Pizza Was More Important Than the Life of Your Dog

By The Pizza Delivery Guy Look, before we begin, I just want to remind you that the delivery policy at Brickyard Pizza is ironclad. If I can’t get your order to you in less than 45 minutes from the time you call in, it’s free. Once I didn’t deliver an

Viewpoint: Billiards Club, You are a Bunch of Fucking Pussies. If You Got a Beef With Us, Why Don’t You Just Do Something About It? That is, Before We Do

By the Michigan Foosball Club Hey assholes— in the table games community, word spreads pretty fast. A little birdy told us about how you guys have been going around and spreading lies about us and distorting the truth. Saying we spin our handles both ways? Not cool. You got a

Hey Dumbass, the Tooth Fairy Isn’t Real

By Clive Newman of Mrs. Meyer’s 1st Grade Class You are such an effing dumbass. The Tooth Fairy isn’t real, you idiot. You still believe that crap? Do you wear diapers, too? You know, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy—that’s, that’s all very BS. Wait, you don’t know what

From the E3W: The Time Has Come to Make Terrorism Illegal

By the Every Three Weekly Editorial Board Here at the Every Three Weekly, it has been our policy not to taint our coverage of the news with our own opinions. In our stories of awkward human interactions, goofy professors, or social irresponsibility, we let the facts speak for themselves regardless of

Merry Christmas, This Holiday Letter Is a Cry for Help!

By Your Mom’s College Roommate, Sheryl Well, another year has gone by and the Dorfmans have been busier than ever! We would like to take this time to wish everyone a happy holiday season, and give you a taste of what we’ve been up to this year in the Dorfman

Why Am I Even Here? What’s My Purpose?

          By the Tip Jar at a Self-Service Frozen Yogurt Shop Malaise. Insignificance. Missed opportunities. Like many others working long hours in the service industry, it’s hard to feel anything but marginalized as you remain Scotch-taped to a counter for days at a time. But when

I Just Don’t Want To Make A Big Deal Out Of My Birthday This Year

    By Jesus I have to admit— these past 2000+ birthdays have been incredible. And I’d really like to let the Western world know how much I appreciate all of its efforts to make every birthday an absolute blast year after year. I mean, the first one was really