Category: Opinion

Merry Christmas, This Holiday Letter Is a Cry for Help!

By Your Mom’s College Roommate, Sheryl Well, another year has gone by and the Dorfmans have been busier than ever! We would like to take this time to wish everyone a happy holiday season, and give you a taste of what we’ve been up to this year in the Dorfman

Why Am I Even Here? What’s My Purpose?

          By the Tip Jar at a Self-Service Frozen Yogurt Shop Malaise. Insignificance. Missed opportunities. Like many others working long hours in the service industry, it’s hard to feel anything but marginalized as you remain Scotch-taped to a counter for days at a time. But when

I Just Don’t Want To Make A Big Deal Out Of My Birthday This Year

    By Jesus I have to admit— these past 2000+ birthdays have been incredible. And I’d really like to let the Western world know how much I appreciate all of its efforts to make every birthday an absolute blast year after year. I mean, the first one was really

Link Me To Your Feminist Think Piece, Sugartits

        by Brent Melchior Hey baby. The girls are looking nice today. How’s it going? Write anything for Thought Catalog recently? Nice, I’ll have to take a look at it. That is, if I can keep my eyes off of your damn tits. God. I could leer

Dave Brandon: A Farewell to Michigan, Sponsored by Chobani™ Yogurt

Almost five years ago today, I agreed to take on this challenging role. During my time at the University of Michigan, I worked tirelessly to create experiences for our fans, students, staff, alumni, and corporate sponsors that were excellent and exciting, like the great fruit flavors of Chobani Greek Yogurt.

Stop! No; Keep Going

by a Semicolon Stop—do you realize what you’re doing? Do you really want to go this far? Sometimes it’s better to stay in the moment, suspended in time and pleasure. But then again,why not bring both of these thoughts to a single, perfect climax? Here we are, with two inflamed

Gaze Upon My Motorized Scooter, Ye Pedestrians, and Despair!

by Tom Sluffman, Moped Owner Hark! What is that which wantonly speeds through the streets, casting terror into your very souls as a blur of colors rushes by and a mighty gust of wind confounds your senses? Why, it is I, on my mighty motorized scooter! “What’s that?!” You mere

The Crowd’s Begging For More, Daniel. Are You Going To Leave Them Disappointed? Of Course Not. Now Post A New Joke To Yik Yak, Daniel. Make Them Laugh. I Command You!

by The Voices Inside Daniel’s Head Daniel. It’s been 24 hours since that Yak really took off. I know you’re still reeling in excitement about your first number one, but it’s time to act. You don’t want to be a one-hit wonder, do you? Your Yakarma is not going to

South Quad Dining Hall: There’s Nothing Like The Sensation Of Having 1,000 Young People Inside You At The Same Time.

By South Quad Dining Hall I know you’ve heard of me. And I bet you’re wondering how I do it. Everyone’s curious. You’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way it can be that good!” Well, let me tell you something. I am that good. I’m more than that good. So

‘Hoke’ Rhymes With ‘Joke.’ It Also Rhymes with ‘Choke.’ What Can We Do Here, Boys?

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By the Michigan Daily Sports Editor Okay, boys. So, the Michigan football team isn’t doing so hot right now. We’re losing games, the department’s embroiled in controversy, and the fans are really upset. They want a voice! This is really our time to shine. We need to get something killer