Category: Opinion

You Can’t Put A Price On The Ones You Love, But Pursuant To Statute 57 Section 36, We’re Asking for $100 Million

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By The Plaintiffs Sometimes those corny cliches are right: family is priceless. But, sometimes you also need compensation for damages caused by negligible landlords. I remember signing the contract to buy a condo at River Bay like it was yesterday. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I’m Just Building Character, And Your Son Is A Fucking Pansy

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By An Angry Dad At A T-Ball Game I’m just like any other dad. I want my kid to have a meaningful experience out on the field while getting a little exercise in. I know it’s not about whether our team wins or loses, it’s how we play the game.

In My Defense, Nobody Told Me I Was Being Filmed

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By That Racist Dude From ΣAE To start this off, I would like to apologize for letting our fraternity’s distasteful chants be known to the public. Our rituals are sacred and should never be shared with outsiders. I have caused harm to my brothers, the gentlemen of SAE, as well

I Should be the One to Replace Jon Stewart Because I Look the Most Like Him

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By Jordan Klepper By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard the unfortunate news that Jon Stewart will be stepping down as host of “The Daily Show.” Believe me, I’m as saddened as the rest of you, if not more so. However, there is no reason to fret, since I am

Okay, I Admit: I Did Not Kill Kennedy.

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 By Brian Williams I’ve endured a lot of criticism lately for lying about the news and my experiences. There have been many, many investigations into my past and the stories I originally reported. And before this goes any further, I want to admit one of my boldest claims was also

You Can’t Make A Country Boy Outta A City Slicker. But Does The Converse Hold?

By Mathematics  PH.D. Candidate R. Boone Cunningham When I was just a boy, my ma always said, “You can’t make a country boy outta a city slicker.” Daggumit if she ain’t had it right. I done seen a great many things in this lifetime, and I ain’t never seen a

Pride is a Sin. But Did I Mention I’m the One True Son of God?

By Jesus Christ Brothers and sisters, as the only true son of the Almighty Creator, I urge you to not forget the most serious of the seven deadly sins: pride. If you’re feeling prideful, I urge you to remember how I lived as a humble, b u r l a

I Cook for Michigan Dining. But That Doesn’t Mean My Artistic Expression Has to Be Stifled.

By The East Quad Line Cook Everyone’s got dreams, kid. That’s why you’re here studying—you want to feed those dreams so they can grow up big and strong. That seafood crepe with wild rice with a balsamic reduction drizzle that you waited in line wearing slippers to receive? That’s got

Why Delivering This Pizza Was More Important Than the Life of Your Dog

By The Pizza Delivery Guy Look, before we begin, I just want to remind you that the delivery policy at Brickyard Pizza is ironclad. If I can’t get your order to you in less than 45 minutes from the time you call in, it’s free. Once I didn’t deliver an

Viewpoint: Billiards Club, You are a Bunch of Fucking Pussies. If You Got a Beef With Us, Why Don’t You Just Do Something About It? That is, Before We Do

By the Michigan Foosball Club Hey assholes— in the table games community, word spreads pretty fast. A little birdy told us about how you guys have been going around and spreading lies about us and distorting the truth. Saying we spin our handles both ways? Not cool. You got a