Category: Opinion

Viewpoint: Billiards Club, You are a Bunch of Fucking Pussies. If You Got a Beef With Us, Why Don’t You Just Do Something About It? That is, Before We Do

By the Michigan Foosball Club Hey assholes— in the table games community, word spreads pretty fast. A little birdy told us about how you guys have been going around and spreading lies about us and distorting the truth. Saying we spin our handles both ways? Not cool. You got a

Hey Dumbass, the Tooth Fairy Isn’t Real

By Clive Newman of Mrs. Meyer’s 1st Grade Class You are such an effing dumbass. The Tooth Fairy isn’t real, you idiot. You still believe that crap? Do you wear diapers, too? You know, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy—that’s, that’s all very BS. Wait, you don’t know what

From the E3W: The Time Has Come to Make Terrorism Illegal

By the Every Three Weekly Editorial Board Here at the Every Three Weekly, it has been our policy not to taint our coverage of the news with our own opinions. In our stories of awkward human interactions, goofy professors, or social irresponsibility, we let the facts speak for themselves regardless of

Merry Christmas, This Holiday Letter Is a Cry for Help!

By Your Mom’s College Roommate, Sheryl Well, another year has gone by and the Dorfmans have been busier than ever! We would like to take this time to wish everyone a happy holiday season, and give you a taste of what we’ve been up to this year in the Dorfman

Why Am I Even Here? What’s My Purpose?

          By the Tip Jar at a Self-Service Frozen Yogurt Shop Malaise. Insignificance. Missed opportunities. Like many others working long hours in the service industry, it’s hard to feel anything but marginalized as you remain Scotch-taped to a counter for days at a time. But when

I Just Don’t Want To Make A Big Deal Out Of My Birthday This Year

    By Jesus I have to admit— these past 2000+ birthdays have been incredible. And I’d really like to let the Western world know how much I appreciate all of its efforts to make every birthday an absolute blast year after year. I mean, the first one was really

Link Me To Your Feminist Think Piece, Sugartits

        by Brent Melchior Hey baby. The girls are looking nice today. How’s it going? Write anything for Thought Catalog recently? Nice, I’ll have to take a look at it. That is, if I can keep my eyes off of your damn tits. God. I could leer

Dave Brandon: A Farewell to Michigan, Sponsored by Chobani™ Yogurt

Almost five years ago today, I agreed to take on this challenging role. During my time at the University of Michigan, I worked tirelessly to create experiences for our fans, students, staff, alumni, and corporate sponsors that were excellent and exciting, like the great fruit flavors of Chobani Greek Yogurt.

Stop! No; Keep Going

by a Semicolon Stop—do you realize what you’re doing? Do you really want to go this far? Sometimes it’s better to stay in the moment, suspended in time and pleasure. But then again,why not bring both of these thoughts to a single, perfect climax? Here we are, with two inflamed

Gaze Upon My Motorized Scooter, Ye Pedestrians, and Despair!

by Tom Sluffman, Moped Owner Hark! What is that which wantonly speeds through the streets, casting terror into your very souls as a blur of colors rushes by and a mighty gust of wind confounds your senses? Why, it is I, on my mighty motorized scooter! “What’s that?!” You mere