Category: Opinion

Dave Brandon: A Farewell to Michigan, Sponsored by Chobani™ Yogurt

Almost five years ago today, I agreed to take on this challenging role. During my time at the University of Michigan, I worked tirelessly to create experiences for our fans, students, staff, alumni, and corporate sponsors that were excellent and exciting, like the great fruit flavors of Chobani Greek Yogurt.

Stop! No; Keep Going

by a Semicolon Stop—do you realize what you’re doing? Do you really want to go this far? Sometimes it’s better to stay in the moment, suspended in time and pleasure. But then again,why not bring both of these thoughts to a single, perfect climax? Here we are, with two inflamed

Gaze Upon My Motorized Scooter, Ye Pedestrians, and Despair!

by Tom Sluffman, Moped Owner Hark! What is that which wantonly speeds through the streets, casting terror into your very souls as a blur of colors rushes by and a mighty gust of wind confounds your senses? Why, it is I, on my mighty motorized scooter! “What’s that?!” You mere

The Crowd’s Begging For More, Daniel. Are You Going To Leave Them Disappointed? Of Course Not. Now Post A New Joke To Yik Yak, Daniel. Make Them Laugh. I Command You!

by The Voices Inside Daniel’s Head Daniel. It’s been 24 hours since that Yak really took off. I know you’re still reeling in excitement about your first number one, but it’s time to act. You don’t want to be a one-hit wonder, do you? Your Yakarma is not going to

South Quad Dining Hall: There’s Nothing Like The Sensation Of Having 1,000 Young People Inside You At The Same Time.

By South Quad Dining Hall I know you’ve heard of me. And I bet you’re wondering how I do it. Everyone’s curious. You’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way it can be that good!” Well, let me tell you something. I am that good. I’m more than that good. So

‘Hoke’ Rhymes With ‘Joke.’ It Also Rhymes with ‘Choke.’ What Can We Do Here, Boys?

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By the Michigan Daily Sports Editor Okay, boys. So, the Michigan football team isn’t doing so hot right now. We’re losing games, the department’s embroiled in controversy, and the fans are really upset. They want a voice! This is really our time to shine. We need to get something killer

Quentin Tarantino: I Won’t Start Production on My Next Movie Until at Least Ten Women Send Me Pictures of Their Feet

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When the script for The Hateful Eight was leaked and I decided to shelve it out of spite, I realized two things. First, the public’s demand for my movies is so high that I can’t possibly let them down for petty reasons. Second, you guys will do anything to convince

Here Is How You Make My Grandma’s Famous Meatballs

By: Ryan, Who Doesn’t Understand This Is a Satirical Newspaper The first step to making my Grandma Florence’s famous meatballs is to find a nicely marbled ground chuck. Make sure it’s ground chuck, and not ground beef. There’s a difference and Grandma Florence will be rolling over in her grave if

Nine Lessons You’ll Learn the Hard Way in Bio 171

By The Syllabus 1. Office hours will be held Wednesday and Friday, 3-5pm. If none of those times work for you, email me and we can set up an appointment. 2. iClicker quizzes begin next week. Together, these are worth 10% of your final grade so keep that in mind. 3. Due to the large

To that Young Man Who Was Reading ‘The Every Three Weekly’ in West Quad that One Time

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By: Peter DeJonge Hey, bud. I’m not sure who you are, where you’re from, or what you do, but I want you to know one thing; I saw you that one time you were reading The Every Three Weekly in the West Quad Cafeteria a couple months ago. And you