Ever since I joined the paper, people have said that I was basically Michael Jordan. They said, “You are to basketball what Michael Jordan was to basketball.” I’ve also been called the “Mozart of basketball,” the “Neil Armstrong of...
I served as a writer for The Every Three Weekly for (almost) all four years of my time here at Michigan, and I can finally say with total honesty that without another “Brendan” around to challenge my ability or authority, there was never really...
Hey kid, I know you’re new here, but since you’re chill, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know the HR Department on the 3rd floor? I hate to break this to you—but it doesn’t exist. That’s right, when we say, “We’ll run it by...
Yeah, it’s true. I didn’t get this job because I’m the funniest person on the paper. Or the smartest. Or even the most devastatingly beautiful. Shocking, I know. I am all those things, but that’s not why they made me Editor-In-Chief. They...
If this image is good enough for my official WhatsApp profile, it’s good enough for the world—ahh, I mean the Every Three Weekly! My fingers are too long… This was suggested to me as the title of a poem about unrequited love when I shared in...
Some mean seniors told me my freshman year that I should transfer schools. They said I would never get good enough grades to go to med school if I stayed at Michigan. I thought they were pessimistic. But they were right, I don’t have the...
You fuckers really thought you had me, huh? I’ll admit, it was a good effort. I give credit where it’s due, and whichever one of you blood-guzzling imps thought to put classes online and charge us more for it deserves all the credit I can give....