An E3W Guide to Maintaining Civility at Thanksgiving Dinner

- If you must fuck the turkey, do so before it is cooked for obvious sanitary reasons.

- Keep malicious comments to yourself. Instead of, "Mom, will you pass the peas, you overbearing bitch?" try, "Mom, will you pass the peas?" while spelling "Overbearing Bitch" with the mashed potatoes on your plate.

- Remain calm if one of the dishes is unpalatable. Model yourself after the ultimate eloquence of the British and quietly have your mother executed after the meal.

- When asked why you yet again do not have a girlfriend/boyfriend to bring home, tell your parents that you're sorry, but you do have several illegitimate grandchildren dying to meet them.

- Make mom feel special for all of her hard work: Use the fancy T.V. trays and let her hold the remo ... Read more

The Obligatory E3W Advice Column

Dear E3W,

The strain of going to college is really beginning to take a toll on my wallet. Tuition prices have risen 13% since last semester and it seems that my textbooks are getting more and more expensive every year. When you add that to the upward spiral of gas prices, it becomes too much for a poor college student to bear. Please tell me how I can stretch my meager dollars further.

Kevin McGillan, LS&A '07

This month's response from: Rancid Bob, a Liberty St. Hobo

Cans, my boy! Sweet, glorious cans! You silly kids just throw those things away when you're walking down the Diag, every day. Well, let me tell you something, under the used condoms, the discarded copies of the Gideon's Bibles, and your delicious leftover breakfast ... Read more

Which gaming system should you buy, assuming you don't live in abject poverty?

By Little Billy Hopeman

Hi, everyone! Billy here. The holidays are just around the corner. I can tell, because donations to the orphanage have spiked. Last week, we got new socks*!

I guess this is the time of year when the big video game companies are hoping to earn your shopping dollars with their new, fancy video game systems. But with all the money that you people have these days, you're probably wondering which system to buy. Well, I’ll be your man on the street--or better yet, your freezing, impoverished child on the street--giving you the angle on which system you should spend your hard-earned dollars on.

I don't know if I'm really qualified for this responsibility. The only video game I ever played was called Atari. The arcade was set-up at the day center for a while, but they took it ... Read more

Christopher Talkin'

This week's advice column is written by noted character actor Christopher Walken. A seasoned veteran of the stage and screen, the bug-eyed Walken has recently been pigeonholed as a one-dimensional, bloodthirsty maniac. He hopes to combat such unfair characterizations by writing a fun weekly advice column. Let's see how he does.

Dear E3W,
I'm a freshman in college, and I saw this cute senior guy. I found out that he was one of my peer advisers. At a meeting I walked up to him and we had a nice, short conversation. I found out that we had some things in common. I don't want to look too much into it, because maybe he was being nice because he has to. What can I do to befriend him, or should I even try to go after him? If I should try going after him, is it too early ... Read more