Campus Stories
Trashy Girl From Your High School Gets Pregnant, Engaged
STERLING HEIGHTS - Amber, also known as that girl from your high school with the red dye job who always shopped at Kohl’s, announced her engagement to wed last week, which probably had something to do with how she’s got a bun in the fucking oven, sources close to you and the piece of trash are reporting.Amber and, um, maybe that guy she was dating in high school, recently announced their engagement in a feature in the Sterling Heights Sentry, and are planning to wed in a ceremony at St. Blase Catholic Church, though they’d be better off at the Taco Bell/ Pizza Hut for all the time they spent there masturbating each other while on break.
The lucky gentleman - that dude Brad, or Brett, or Allan, yeah, his name was totally Allan - is currently employed as a mechan ... Read more
Entire Bowling League Sings Bohemian Rhapsody
YPSI-ARBOR LANES - Every member of the Saturday Merry Mixers league paused their bowling at length last week as Queen’s rock epic, Bohemian Rhapsody, struck its opening notes over the radio.“Is this the real life?” wondered Al Horford, 36, who was working off two strikes and had a chance at the mystery pin when the song left him taken aback. “Is this just fantasy?”
“Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality,” his wife, Janet, assented.
“Open your eyes,” suggested Jerry Otto, the Horford’s partner. “Look up to the skies and see.”
Otto then mimed the movement of looking up, and noticed that either the ceiling was spinning and made of gray mush, or he was drunk.
“I’m just a poor boy,” confessed Horford w ... Read more
I’m So Happy To Announce My Dawn Treader Has Sold Her 100th Book!
By Andrei Markovitch, Owner, Dawn Treader Book StoreMy little Russian heart positively leaps over to joy these days, for last week, my Dawn Treader Book Shop make its 100th sale of a fucking book. And it only took me 29 years in this crazy Larry town to do it in!
Finally is what I’m saying!
Yes, yes, “Visit Bulgaria! A Guide To Eating Out On The Eastern Bloc’s Most Coveted Soil”, was the winner. It was a big book describing dining locales in former (so they say) Soviet stronghold. I sold him for 5,000 Ruples, or $.35 Democratic World currency. That bitch book has been on my shelves for so long that I could remember. It has dust jacket that almost crumble into dust, ha- HA!
For those keeping tracking, Mr. Ken Tash of Arborland Apartment is the centennial man, so please send him your thank yous if you ... Read more
Freshman Dazzles Room-Party With Fucking Incredible Beer Pong Run
MARY MARKLEY HALL- Freshman Alex Norris rocked worlds and melted faces Friday night when he and overweight hallmate Paul Morro bested three consecutive pairs of opponents in a boozecrazed beer-riot that would have gotten them written up had it been audible from the RA’s room down the hall.“Dude, we were all fucking hammered, just going nuts,” recalled roommate Michael Oschotz. “It was freakin’ crazy, man. Seriously. Two cases, dude. Two cases.”
Norris, who at one point made five consecutive shots, was the star of the brew-orgy, having essentially taken the room’s collective atmosphere and skullfucked it into submission with his massive beerpongcock.
“I don’t know how I did it,” grinned the sly dog, fully aware of his radiating awesomeit ... Read more
Sophomore Reads One Gandhi Autobiography, Now Thinks He Can Just Quote Gandhi All The Time
CAMPUS - Sterling Holloway, a sophomore poli sci major, borrowed one Gandhi autobiography from his Intro to Hinduism professor and now feels like he can just quote Gandhi all the time, friends of the arrogant prick are reporting.Formerly a callous, overweight, insensitive yet lovable asshole, Holloway has “lost his edge” since reading up on the life of the political and spiritual leader of India, adopting a new lifestyle of vegetarianism, relentless truth-telling, and abstention from alcohol and sex.
“Sterling was always such a great guy to be around - scoffing at the handicapped, not holding doors for people, buying useless things for himself - until My Experiments With Truth came along,” said friend Albert Finnegan. “Now I can’t say one thing about chea ... Read more
Carefully Crafted Freshman Identity Shattered by Hometown Friend
BAITS I- Sources within Smith House have confirmed that Nate Green’s carefully crafted freshman identity was destroyed last week by a visiting hometown friend.Green, the only student from his Fairfield, Connecticut high school who attends Michigan, has spent the entirety of his first year telling his new friends cool high school anecdotes that happened to other people and pretending to have always liked Girl Talk and M.I.A.
The carefully laid foundation of his new life was shattered last week, however, when hometown friend and University of Chicago freshman Noah Fish visited for the weekend.
“We (Green and his undeserved friends) started to hit a bottle of Black Velvet,” recalls fellow Smith House inmate Kevin Rose. “Then Nate’s friend from home ... Read more
Senior Refuses To Make Peace With Freshman Year Roommate
CAMPUS - LSA senior Mack Crowfarm has walked out of the final day of negotiations intended to foster peace between him and his freshman year roommate, Dwight Shoreman, sources involved in the peacekeeping effort report.The latest round of negotiations soured after Shoreman repeatedly denied allegations that he had, in fact, stolen those ice trays four years ago.
The incident has already been dubbed “a grave setback for mending the broken fence of casual acquaintance relationships everywhere,” and has pushed the two embittered roommates further apart than ever before.
“It’s over,” Crowfarm allegedly said. “We’ve come so far, but Dwight and I both know those ice trays didn’t just disappear.”
Shoreman, who is largely credited with ... Read more