How Dare these Dudes Hold Rotaract Elections Without Me

By Brandon Gudger
Rotaract Undersecretary General

OK, I’m not the brightest tool in the drawer, nor the smartest dude in the drawer either, but man, if there’s something I don’t like, it’s people drunk on their own power. I don’t even mind being the not-drunk one. People say funny shit when they’re drunk, and sometimes the women want to go titty on your caca. But when it’s power they’re drunk on, that’s when Brandon’s mindbuzz gets harshed. Figuratively, dude.

So imagine my surprise when I returned from a refreshing Carnival cruise in the Bahamas with Joel and his gay dad to find that Rotaract - a club of which I am under secretary general had held their 2008 elections without me?

Dudes and dudettes of Rotaract, do the concepts of ... Read more

Brandon's Halloween Costume

By Brandon Gudger
Demon-Weed Hell-Hound

If I could be addicted to anything, it would have to be to candy. Almond Joys especially.

Not like my girlfriend, Crack Sally. She's addicted to Mounds bars. And crack, dude.

So imagine my surprise when I was a kid and it was as simple as showing up on somebody's porch in a fright wig with a pillow-case and just getting the stuff for free. Candy, not crack. Sally's got a problem, man. Me, my only problem's figuring out what the "M" stands for on M&M's.

When I was a kid, people were all, "Oh, Brandon, what are we this year?"

"We're Brandon in a fright wig, man."

Being a kid was dank.

That all ended the one year me and Joel poked our legs through grocery bags and said we were busted condoms. It was a loss of innocence like th ... Read more

The E3W Point/Counterpoint: April 2007

Point: I'll Bet You $50 I Can Kill A Pond's Worth of Ducks Faster Than You Can
By: Canadian-Eskimo Exchange Student Ming-tak Chillichoad

That's right ya hoser -- fifty big ones says I can take out that whole pond of ducks outside the School of Music before you can even fashion a suitable hunting spear out of those red maples.

What's that? You don't know how to make your own spear? Oh, big surprise there. Well fine, we'll use our bare hands then. Just like how my grandpa used to kill the polar bears. Grrrrrrrr.

Hey -- where are you going? C'mon, I was totally joking about my grandfather. It was just the one bear. Seriously, my igloo melted last week and I need the money. I'm sleepin in the Duderstadt for God's sake. Don't be such a wussy, ... Read more

Letters to the Editor

From: Peter Shapiro (peteres@umich.edu)
To: threeweeks.letters@umich.edu
Subject: Ann Arbor Uber Alles

You should print this. Because it's awesome. You know, Dead Kennedys - California Uber
Alles? I present Ann Arbor Uber Alles. It's funny how few lines I really had to change:

Ann Abor Uber Alles
-------------------

I am President Mary Sue
My aura smiles and never boos
Soon I will be governor

Proposal 2 will fade away
I will be Fuhrer one day
I will command all of you

Your kids will mediate in school.
YOUR KIDS WILL MEDIATE IN SCHOOL!

Ann Arbor Uber Alles
Ann Arbor Uber Alles
Uber Alles Ann Arbor
Uber Alles Ann Arbor

Zen fascists will control you 100% ... Read more

Well, Look Who Came Crawling Back!

By Your Bike, 200 S. State St. Bike Rack, Outside Buffalo Wild Wings

Jesus Christ, I'm sick of freezing my seat off. It wasn't that long ago I stood here with icicles hanging from my gears and chain like skinny crystalline cocks, thinking I'd never see the warm sun again, ready to call it quits and fall apart like Yakuma, my pal the Japanese motorcycle. One day he couldn't take it anymore, he just laid down in the middle of Washington and waited for somebody who wasn't looking to finish him off. He didn't have much to spin for anyhow.

If there's one thing precious in this world, though, it's life, even if that life means just being left here by old Jerry Longlegs to count the days away like some prisoner locked in a cell of negligence. I'm so glad the weather's finally getting warm again, I think the last of the ice has frozen off my handlebars. ... Read more

I'll Shave Just About Anything into My Head

By Brent Petway

Most people know me as a senior forward on the basketball team who hails from McDonough, Georgia and specializes in not leading his basketball team to the NCAA tournament.

Those of you who regularly watch Michigan Basketball know me as a guy who shaves wacky things into his head. Sometimes it'll just be a block M. For our game against Ohio State, though, I shaved that winged-helmet logo thing into my head. Remember how cool that was?

But, as any of my friends could tell you, I'm more than just a basketball player, and so I have a wide variety of off-season designs that I just love shaving into the old noggin.

For an exam in my Eastern European history class, I had a portrait of the 17th Century Cossack military leader Bohdan Khmelnytsky shaved into the back ... Read more