National Stories
America Adopts The Euro
BANKS - America officially became the 28th member of the European Union yesterday, joining the growing coalition of European countries after pressure from the Treasury Department over the waning power of the dollar.The move will serve as an end to 230 years of occasional lobbying and waffling with the estranged continent interspersed with short periods of kicking their individual asses.
In a press conference, President Bush assured Americans that the move was entirely cosmetic, and that the benefits of using the Euro as currency would far outweigh the political consequences of subservience to the European coalition.
“Normally, entering into the ‘Eurozone’ means that the U.S. is subject to all binding resolutions and would forfeit the right to represe ... Read more
Special: Explosively Radical Seizure-Inducing Reports Claim News Is Sensationalized
AP— Hey jackass! The Sternburg School of Communications recently published a report claiming that the media has been sensationalizing the news by using slanderous journalism techniques and obvious bias!This outrageously-shocking allegation published Tuesday has effectively brought severe drought to the Midwest, catalyzed a wave of abortions, and inspired at least 250 million Americans to head out on a journey West to find themselves/ Curley’s Gold.
The report was published by anonymous authors, which has many believing, as intuition and common sense would lead any human being to the conclusion, that terrorists of Al Qaeda are using this report as an alias to fuel its extremist war against America, patriotism, football, outdoor grilling, and diversity.
... Read more
Boring Guy Dies
ANN ARBOR - No one was particularly upset at the recent news that Chuck something, the boring guy who lives next door or down the street, died last week or maybe a couple weeks ago, dispassionate sources are reporting.Chuck, probably short for Charles, was largely ignored in his community, and will be remembered for occasionally watering the driveway in sandals, taking his homely dog for a walk in the morning, or having his TV on from about 6 PM to 11 PM every night.
“He always watched TV,” neighbors replied to questions about Chuck, whose last name might as well be Boring. “Except when it was turned off. Then maybe he was listening to the radio or sleeping.”
Chuck Boring is survived by his two dull children, Jeff and Ursula Boring, who spoke at th ... Read more
News of Rainstorm Interrupts Coverage of Brutal Murder
BINGHAMTON, NY—Local news station WJXK interrupted its coverage of the slaying of 13-year old Wendy Willis for breaking news of a rain storm entering the immediate area of Dansville, MI last night.The bulletin reported that the precipitation might be anywhere from “devastating” to “capable of whisking away small children”, interrupting the traditional news lineup of multiple brutal homicides, a story on the the high school sports team, and Krazy Kathy’s Health Tipz.
While not an entirely unorthodox move for the station, nightly news manager Robert Korven made the executive decision between running the bit on rain or on the news that Barack Obama had cemented his lead in superdelegates.
“You know, it really came down to stock footage, and we o ... Read more
Granholm Praises Michigan's Strong Store-Closing Sign-Holding Job Market
LANSING - Governor Jennifer Granholm gave her annual State of the State speech late last month, guaranteeing an economic rebound after predictions came in that Michigan's already strong store-closing sign-holding job market is set to skyrocket in 2008."More of Michigan's workforce is out on the streets advertising liquidations than ever before," Granholm said between bursts of wild cheers and applause. "I intend to keep them out there by making sure more stores close every day."
Store-closing sign-holding, especially popular in areas of urban sprawl, is "an opportunity for Michiganders to make a paycheck and get some fresh air while they're doing so."
"No one can say store-closing sign-holders aren't getting their exercise!" joked Granholm to peals of laug ... Read more
New Two-Billion Dollar Movie To Star Everyone In Hollywood
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Inspired by the success of blockbuster films Oceans Eleven and 2006 Best Picture winner The Departed, Tinseltown has responded by organizing a massively produced, actor- and actress-rich film that will star literally every famous person in Hollywood in some role or another.After ten weeks of a crippling strike by the Writers' Guild of America, Miramax Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Lions Gate Films, Castle Rock Entertainment, Disney, MGM, Viacom, and thousands of other corporations, producers, distributors, financiers, and indie outlets have pooled their budgets, attempting to reach the arbitrarily set two-billion dollar budget mark, most of which will go to paying the actors' salaries.
"The idea we had was that everyone loves to see a lot of famous acto ... Read more
News Of Slovenian Genocide Alerts World To Existence Of Slovenia
LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA - Cries and shouts of gunfire have become de riguer in the war-torn streets of Ljubljana, Slovenia, the country's capital, and center of a worldwide controversy centering around the growing question of Slovenia's existence right under everyone's noses."We are here today to try and understand how Slovenia could have existed all this time without our knowledge," UN Secretary General Banh Ki Moon said to the gathered nations of the world. "There may or may not be representatives from Slovenia within our midst right now, so please refrain from using any Slovenian stereotypes."
"Now, does anyone know what those stereotypes could be? Show of hands."
The silence following Moon's question reportedly deafened several representatives from Microne ... Read more