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Bill Cosby Teaches Black Community A Lesson With Monopoly Money

CLEVELAND, OH�In a recent speech sponsored by the NAACP, beloved TV dad Bill Cosby sparked controversy yet again with remarks concerning the progress of African-Americans. In front of a black audience, Cosby preached the importance of financial responsibility, using Monopoly money to demonstrate successful fiscal management.

�You see, if you got five-hundred dollars, and you have to pay the rent and the bills and such, it doesn�t leave much for luxury items,� said Cosby, pursing his lips and wobbling his head back and forth like your Great-Aunt Magda when she hasn�t taken her meds. �Luckily, Jell-O makes a pudding snack that is affordable to the black community.�

In the 1960s, Cosby crossed racial boundaries on the TV show �I Spy� by being the first ... Read more

This Group Project Would Be a Lot Less Awkward if I Hadn't Peed On You Freshman Year

Look, I don't know if you remember me, and I'm hoping you don't. But just in case you do, I'm really sorry about not calling you that time back during freshman year.


This shouldn't really be a problem. I know we're both mature enough to write this Polish History report without it coming up, but I thought, since I might still be bothering you, I should apologize. I know I didn't call, but I was a little embarrassed about the whole situation and I just acted like a child. For that I'm sorry. It was immature of me not to call and see if you wanted to go out again after that night I peed on you. By the by, sorry about the urine, too. It's just, you know, I drank a fuckload of beer and the bed was so warm and comfortable with both of us in it. Coincidentally, I'm also sorry t ... Read more

Yankees To Play Football, Boston Drunk, Again

NEW YORK, NY--Moments after the New England Patriots won their second Super Bowl in three years, New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner announced the Yankees would be joining the NFL next season.

"We consider it our duty to the people of New York," said a toga wearing Steinbrenner, "and to people everywhere to make sure that Boston never wins at anything ever again as long as I, Lord Emperor, roam the Earth." Steinbrenner was quick to point out that by Boston he was referring to the city, not the "kick-ass band."

Although details are yet to be announced, it is believed the Yankees will replace the New York Giants next season. Sources tell us that Don Zimmer will be the head coach and Drew Henson will play quarterback, further establishing himself as the most hyped ... Read more

Obituary Jumble!

Bernard Schultzman, Businessman, ADED at 84

Famed businessman and philanthropist Bernard Schultzman IEDD last night at the age of 84 in his home in Greenwich, NECNOCTUTIC. The cause, said his doctor and friend Harvey Green, was NACCRE.

Working his way up the corporate DERALD in the 1930's, Schultzman, known to his friends as "Bernie," or "Big Nose," was named Senior IECV President of the Ace Trapdoor Company in 1954, only to mysteriously vanish from the President's office during a meeting in 1955, reappearing WOT years later in the building's long-abandoned dungeon.

Taking over the top post in 1960, Schultzman led the MNYOPCA through the difficult trapdoor recession of the mid-60's, as well as the Sexual VTIRULEON-unrelated to the business, but apparently a great deal of fun.

Upon his EMTNREIRE in 19 ... Read more

McVeigh Executed, Lawyers Plan to Win Appeal

Timothy McVeigh, the man convicted of the worst act of terrorism on American soil, was executed earlier this week. Despite dying within 14 minutes of the lethal injection, lawyers for the 33 year-old McVeigh hope to appeal this latest action.

"We feel very confident that after looking at the facts, [Judge] Mahoney will come to the correct decision of justice and reverse Timothy's execution," stated Michael Johnson, lead counsel for the McVeigh defense team as a hearse slowly pulled away from the Terre Haute prison amidst a throng of shouting on-lookers.

Though some in the legal industry give the chance for a reversal 30/70 odds, many feel that the lawyers will finally have to admit defeat after a few more thousand billable hours and perhaps a book deal. ... Read more

Obligatory Letters From The Outgoing Editors

The future of the Every Three Weekly is uncertain, my friends. Between graduation and the loss of two other staff members to study abroad programs, the producers of the vast majority of articles for the last two years' issues won't be returning next fall. What does this all mean? Well, there will probably be a summer issue acting as both a "Best Of" and "Welcome, Freshmen" edition. After that, and possibly some uncomfortable silence, no one's quite sure. The question is not whether we have talented staff members returning: we do. The question is whether we can find enough new to add to the old. Next fall we'll find out. Until then, here are the final thoughts from those leaving us.

Amol Parulekar After three years and 26 issues, I'm hanging up my E3W pe ... Read more