Sports Stories
Lloyd Carr Reportedly Enjoying Retirement, Frasier Reruns
RURAL ANN ARBOR - Departed Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr spoke briefly last week about the highs and lows of semi-retired life, courting reporters with his Tennessee charm and sharing amusing anecdotes as interviewers milled about his private ranch.Carr, dressed in gray slacks, wool slippers and a canary yellow cardigan, and sipping from a mug of coffee shaped like women’s breasts that read ‘If Found, Please Return To Nassau, Bahamas’, expressed his newfound admiration for the mid- to late-90’s situation comedy Frasier.
“Frasier is good, smart, physical comedy with good ability and a lot of talent,” Carr said. “You’ve got Kelsey Grammar, who’s very expressive with his face and body. And then you’ve got David Hyde Pierce with the whole flamboyant ... Read more
Hair Stylist Wants To Know If You Play Any Sports
ANN ARBOR – After asking you a litany of other ice-breakers at the Aveedo Hair Salon, stylist Kimberly Stevenson “really” wanted to know whether you play any sports or anything like that.“I don’t know,” Stevenson confessed, adding that you looked like the type of person who would play sports.
You thought to yourself how the question was less direct than, “So, do you like rimjobs?” before responding that you had played golf in high school.
“That’s so interesting!” Stevenson replied, pausing from cutting your hair to touch you on the shoulder. “Golf!”
Stevenson said that she likes golf, but is really bad at it.
“My husband is good at it,” she said. “But I’m not good at it.”
The woman then i ... Read more
Cord Boy Projected To Go Early In 2008 NFL Draft
THE BIG HOUSE - Sources close to the 2008 NFL draft are reporting on a rumor that Cord Boy, beloved cordcarrying assistant to former Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr, will enter the NFL draft early following his tremendously successful sophomore year.Cord Boy racked up 1205 yards in 300 carries as U-M’s starting cordcarrier, never fumbling a cord in all thirteen games. His austere presence and his stoicism in the face of injury were beloved by fans.
SI.com reports that Cord Boy could go within the top five picks of the draft.
“Cord Boy is a good, smart, physical cord-carrier with great speed and good ability,” Carr said, praising the 20-year-old communications assistant from his home in rural Ann Arbor. “He’s done some spectacular things carrying c ... Read more
Black Athletes Come Together To Celebrate Irish Heritage
HOLLYWOOD - The “luck o’ the Irish” fell on Tinseltown’s Coco Bongo Club Saturday night, as the biggest Irish stars in America flew in to show their Celtic pride, holding a St. Patrick’s Day party “strictly for the brothers” at Fitzgerald’s.Dubbed a “hip-hop fusion of Guinness, red-headed strippers, and the like,” emcee Donovan McNabb credited the event for bringing together his “Irish peeps” in a long overdue recognition of collective struggle.
“This is for all my laddies who never made it out of Dublin,” McNabb said during a somber moment, pouring a dab of Irish whiskey onto the floor. “The potato famine struck too many of us down.”
Festivities stalled abruptly at 11 pm when Houston Rockets Forward Tracy McGrady interrupte ... Read more
Terrelle Pryor Commits To $25,000 Fine, Five Years Probation, Community Service
COLUMBUS- The college football world was finally able to relax today after highly-touted mobile-QB recruit Terrelle Pryor announced his official commitment to a $25,000 fine, five years of probation, and community service for a legal infraction he will likely commit while a member of the Ohio State Buckeyes."I'm excited to hopefully join the ranks of Ohio State Penitentiary in 2008," Pryor said during his announcement.
Pryor held out a week past the first official signing day to weigh his sentencings, eventually choosing the $25K fine, five years probation, and community service offered by Coach Jim Tressel and the Buckeyes over far heftier penalties from Michigan, Penn State, and Oregon.
"It was a difficult decision, but eventually, I decided I would be a ... Read more
Coach Rodriguez To Implement New "Spread-Interview" Formation To Set Of Michigan Replay
BIG HOUSE - All of the Ann Arbor cable-access programming world is abuzz with the news that Rich Rodriguez will be implementing his revolutionary "spread-interview" formation to the Michigan Replay set having assumed responsibilities as U-M head coach.Michigan Replay, a weekly analysis of Wolverine football aired the Sunday morning following a game, has been criticized for growing dated and predictable under Lloyd Carr since its inception in the Bo Schembechler era, when it was standard fare for football interview programs to feature "three tough questions and a cloud of bullshit".
Rodriguez, on the other hand, represents the "new face" of football coaching interviews, having pioneered the spread-interview formation while on the set of West Virginia's weekly cable-ac ... Read more
Fans Prepare For Life Without Mike Hart, Puns
ANN ARBOR - Now that the 2007 college football season has come to an end, Michigan fans across the nation can celebrate their first bowl win in four years. However, Wolverine nation now must say goodbye to senior tailback Mike Hart, along with the way his name allowed a seemingly endless use of cardiovascular-associated puns."The victory in the Capital One Bowl against Florida marked the conclusion of several Harty college football careers, most notably, the King of Harts himself," said Free Press writer Mitch Albom. "Due to the unprecedented Hartache experienced this football season, it is evident that being a Michigan fan is not for the faint of Hart."
Other "sportswriters" chimed in with their imaginative takes on the name of Hart.
"M ... Read more