Church Settles "Why Do Good Things Happen To Bad People" Question

"We'll Try To Get On Those Pedophilia Investigations Next," Says Church

VATICAN CITY, VATICAN CITY -- An emergency conference called between the Cardinals concluded yesterday in the Holy See. The conference was called in response to the allegation from many noted theologians, such as Pat Robertson, MBE, that a vengeful God is delivering His will on humanity through recent natural disasters such as hurricanes and the upcoming pandemic of avian flu.

Pat Robertson has been especially vocal about the possibility of a bird flu epidemic, which could potentially claim anywhere from zero to five kazillion lives. "God wrote in the Bible in plain English that if you are a feminist, then you are a witch and a lesbian and God will send birds to make you sick and cause you to die," Robertson said on a recent broadcast of his popular news show, the 700 Club. "Did I say Communist? Yeah, you're a Pinko Communist, too." He continued, "The Chinese are planning something with this bird flu, I know it. Now let us take a moment to pray for another Supreme Court Justice's untimely death - and this time, it better be a real liberal one."

Concerns about the avian flu and the hurricanes led the Catholic Church to call the conference to determine, once and for all, why bad things happen to good people. After two days and two cocaine-filled nights of deliberation, the Pope's Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced the committee's findings at a internationally televised press conference. "It is the opinion of the Catholic Church," said Fleischer, "That God is not angry at the good people of Earth, He has merely been grossly incompetent in His duties as Creator."

When reached for comment, Pope Benedict XVI said, "What I can say? The Guy fucked up. He wasn't paying attention and He let some shit go by. Katrina, the bird flu, the third and fourth seasons of 24 - those all happened on his watch. The guy's a loose cannon. Listen, I didn't hire Him. I just got the job a few months ago and He was here. I wanted to fire Him and start looking for a new God the second I got the big hat, but what can I say? He's union."

As of right now, the Church has made no official decision regarding what course of action will be taken regarding God's future with the organization, though some have suggested God should be moved to another part of the Church where He cannot be a threat to anyone else, because, "Hey, it worked for those pedophiles."

Some, however, are not satisfied with the Church's explaination - most notably, God Himself. "You know, whatever, dude," said God. "I can't believe Ben-16 would say that about Me. I have a tough job. Yeah being omnipotent is cool, but every time someone bitches, I gotta hear it. It's not like I even wanted this job. I only took it to earn some money while my band takes off. We're called Three God Night and we have this awesome Floyd/early-Genesis sound." While many debate God's ability as a deity, none can debate that when Three God Night covered Dark Side of the Moon, they brought the fuckin' house down.

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