Bob Dylan Awarded Grammy For Sounding Least Like His Actual Singing Voice
Dylan's album, Modern Times, was released to rave reviews and huge sales despite the almost universal acknowledgement that the 63-year-old artist, singing live without production alteration, has a voice like the wrath of God.
"He was the vote I felt the most confident in," Michael Calligan, chair of the Grammy committee, declared of Dylan's nomination.
"When I went to see him live at Radio City, it took me over five minutes to figure out that he was singing some jangly, dispirited version of 'Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again.' He was completely off-key, lacked rhythm and tonality, and generally prevented everyone present from singing along. Most people agreed they preferred the initial burst of deafening feedback over the hellish sounds coming from this fucking asshole."
"Only America's Bob Dylan can pull that kind of stunt off," Calligan gushed. "He still remains one of our generation's oft-misunderstood geniuses, which may be because his vocal chords sound like they were done over by a lawnmower."
The man they call the "Singing Poet" said he was thrilled that he fooled so many people into believing his voice was as strong, stylish, and coherent as it sounded on Modern Times.
Stepping into a limousine outside the awards, Dylan paused briefly for comment on his reaction to the Grammy. Dylan's personal translator contends that Dylan said: "I feel like a forlorn midget/ With a Cadillac guitar/ And an old daguerrotype/ And a bottle of Spanish wine/ Churning gravy by candlemoonlight/ Making my heart as pure / As a whiskey sour/ Lost on a bicycle tour/ Or passed out drooling/ Under a rusty signpost/ And its written somewhere/ That today is Pay Day/, And all the time the girls are laughing at me/, Saying "Goodbye to the Old Road,/ Hello to the New Way."
"At this point, I'll bet even/ that Soy Bomb guy can sing/ better than I can/ Maybe a little time'll bring an apocalypse again," Dylan's translator thoughtfully added.
The "Artist Whose Album Least Resembles Their Actual Ability" category, added in 2005 in the wake of countless bands and singers who should be kissing their producer's asses for the existence of their careers, saw especially stiff competition this year. Dylan's overproduced sham was competing against albums from glam-rockers Fall Out Boy and Panic! at the Disco, asexual nymph James Blunt, and singer/amateur call-girl Ashlee Simpson, who, despite not releasing an album this year, was nominated for the Grammy as penance for the outstanding success of her career despite being utterly devoid of talent.
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