Letters to the Editor

Date: Sat, 10 Feb 2007 04:43:43
From: Kerry Chatterton
Subject: [No Subject]

Hi I am very naive, even though I am 25 years old, I have always been asked if my

eyelashes were fake, since I can remember( 7 years old ). I am just curious, I have
used your mascara for years, is there anyway I could send a picture to you to see if
maybe I am good enough to use for a commercial that appeals to ladies my age? I have
never in my life modeled and I have no ambition to be famous, it is just something
that I know is fabulous about me. Let me know...Thank You Carly from Fredonia New York

Dear Carly/Kerry Chatterton,

We seldom receive emails from naive twenty-five year olds living in Fredonia, New York, as our circulation on a good month ranges from the floor of Angell Hall to the green dumpster outside the Ross School of Business. However, litverally ones of naive young twenty-somethings with a penchant for mascara like yourself send us enigmatically worded email every day.

As you well know, the Every Three Weekly continues to carry on a proud tradition of Fem-Care products, including the "Front Page", which can be used as a nifty eyeliner when applied correctly, and the "Fifth Page", which works exceptionally well as a rouge-substitute when applied correctly. And of course, when applied correctly, the famous "Back Page", which removes wrinkles from dry, cracked skin, when applied correctly.

Unfortunately, our publication might not be the best outlet for your vaulting ambitions in the world of supra-legitimate modeling. We are gradually phasing out Fem-Care products to make way for more satire. Due to recent budget cutbacks and lawsuits, the Fem-Care line has been deemed unprofitable, and will be replaced by our newest feature: The Most Awkward Things To Say On A First Date With Your Sister. And as we all know, it's not what is said, but how it is said that makes it truly awkward.

We are glad you used our products in the past, and hope that you will still be able to enjoy the publication in the future. If you would still like to send us a picture, please feel free to do so. And remember: Stay Fabulous.

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