White House Officials Confirm Osama bin Laden Will Eventually Die
President says he's certain bin Laden won't defeat freedom, linear time
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him," President Bush said, speaking from the Rose Garden on behalf of time's inexorable march forward.
Bush cited a recent report, released by a panel of the nation's leading biologists and physical scientists, which states explicitly that it is "highly improbable" that Osama bin Laden will live forever, and more likely that he will "die someday".
"This is welcome news in the war on terror," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said. "We finally have confirmation that, even if we do nothing, as long as we hold out long enouth, bin Laden will eventually die of something or other."
Bin Laden has been the object of an extensive manhunt since 2001, somehow evading capture since his implication in the World Trade Center attacks.
But the White House says it's sure bin Laden will not be able to defy Father Time and the elementary concepts of evolutionary biology.
"It's a matter of who can outlast whom," Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Meet the Press's Tim Russert. "We have the science, we have the proof [from this report] that a man composed of biological matter and limited by the laws of cell deterioration - like bin Laden - can never outlast America, which is both an abstract concept AND a land mass spanning thousands of miles. He doesn't stand a chance."
The government's consistent blundering and misappropriation of effort toward capturing bin Laden is now being described as "all part of our plan" by Defense Secretary Condoleeza Rice.
"If we were to have captured him, who knows whether he would have eventually died or not?" Rice said. "By leaving him alone, totally unhindered and free to do whatever he wants, we have information that shows we've increased the chances of him eventually dying by a gajillion percent."
Rice added, "That's like 1 with a kibillion zeroes."
Rice further stressed that there were humanitarian reasons for letting bin Laden remain free.
"The YouTube community has enough executions broadcast on its airwaves. Adding any more would take away from the ratings of other deaths the average American might not have otherwise watched."
Bush's deliberate policy of doing nothing, formerly titled the Carter doctrine, is apparently already working now that bin Laden recently celebrated his 50th birthday on March 10th, an event the White House is already claiming as a huge victory in the War on Terror.
"We held a huge surprise party for him in Kabul to remind him that aging is the first step toward death, and that his aging is a definite sign that he will die someday," Rice said, adding that the Islamic fundamentalist "was caught completely off guard."
"He looked sincerely displeased," Rice said.
The report cited numerous ways in which bin Laden could potentially die, ranging from some form of cancer, possibly leukemia, to complications from diabetes, which, Rice says, limited him "to only one piece of cake, provided he doesn't have access to insulin," which, she added, "He may or may not have."
"We thought we had him with the cake thing, but he's got some real self-control," Rice said. "Just goes to show, we're better off not trying. Let living dogs run wild, as they say."
The potential for bin Laden's death has already sparked controversy among humanitarians across the globe.
"Killing bin Laden by this kind of willful neglect is wrong," Amnesty International lawyer Wilda Dexter said of the White House's policy of deliberation. "It's as though the entire world were one big minivan in which this administration has left bin Laden alone to suffocate, strapped in his child's seat of violent fundamentalism, and reaching out his stubby, pink hand to open the window of merciful assasination."
Dexter says she criticizes the White House for not considering that maybe bin Laden's terrorist activity is merely a childish form of acting out.
"Terrorists are people too, Mr. Bush."
Bush responded to the criticisms in a later interview.
"It's clear to me that nature loves freedom," Bush said. "And people who love freedom, or who love nature, which loves freedom, like me, will never die."
The president was found slain later that day in an unrelated incident.
Back